it's that time of year. leave all our hopelessness's aside.

How did you know? It's what I always wanted.

Your Health By: Kim Painter
Thursday, in between the cheese ball appetizers and the pumpkin pie desserts, most of us will indulge in something proven to have powerful health benefits. No, it's not that extra serving of stuffing. It's the expression of gratitude — the simple act of thanking God, thanking others or just counting your blessings. Saying thanks, it turns out, isn't just pious or polite. It's good for you. But there's a catch: You have to do it even when the calendar does not say "Thanksgiving."


i saw this little decorative container at a fancy house on queens road. i was there for a catering gig. a housewarming party. the owners had recently remodeled. the house was phenomenal. i adore their decor. and in the kitchen, next to the professional chef's gas stove and butcher block counter, sat this reminder to count my blessings. i wonder if the people who live here have any concept of how wealthy they are. (they have a separate refrigerator just for beer, and a central music system that pipes rhapsody streams through the entire house) and if they are at all grateful for the things they have acquired. there place is such a stark contrast to what i now possess. and while, once upon a time, this would have been my ideal, i am more at home being able to move all my belongings in a car load and a half. but it got me thinking about thanksgiving. and how it's my favorite time of year. about all the blessings i have encountered just in the past few months. and i decided to keep a list. or a bunch of lists.

i have heard of gratitude journals and making a standing inventory, but i wanted a way to collect my blessings in a more random manner. to be able to read through them in a less strategized manner. to fit with my more relaxed lifestyle. so i made a box. my gratitude box. and labeled it grace & love. and i plan to keep a collection of index cards for the next 365 days. thanksgiving to thanksgiving. sort of an early new years resolution. and next year on my absolute favorite day, i will be able to look back and reminisce about the daily things that are all too often swept under the rug. lost in the wake of the stresses and grind. practice gratitude. love wildly.

the longer I run the less that I find, selling my soul for a nickel and dime.

so many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. the very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
-Christopher McCandles

this is the second time i have read these words. once, last year, in the pages of krakauer's novel into the wild, and now, in the adventure tales of aron ralston. i too find myself between a rock and a hard place. i am unemployed. my decision to stay in charlotte has left me with many blessings and new opportunities. and while i feel that this is where i am presently supposed to be, i am finding it difficult to understand the 'whys' of the situation. i gave up my eight to five work week for the open road, and while the initial transition to free spirit was a little daunting, i feel a tremendous crushing weight when i consider the concept of holding another traditional occupation. something heavy sitting on my chest. i am pressed by my financial burdens. mounting debt. student loans. but i don't want to race into any old job because i am fearful i will not be provided for. i did that the first time around. falling into the sign shop position. it took me so long to pull myself out of my contrived notions of success. and i have been well cared for this long in life. a foster family of amazing friends. and yet i consider my options limited. how? how can i still trust so little?

when will you come back home?

home is where the heart is.
"the nut"
eta. 11.29.08

cause i'd rather be home reading recipes.

another day of unemployment. i would love to have this be my actual job. the cooking. the cleaning. the care-taking. but for now i will settle for baking as a relaxation tool. something to take the edge off while i scan the classifieds for potential job opportunities.
voila: dark chocolate dipped pumpkin-pecan biscotti.

you take yourself a photograph and laugh at me.

i have the most handsome dog. sometimes you see a person on the street, walking their pooch and you thing, eek, do they really think their dog is handsome/cute? like, when they went to the pound/breeder/local veterinarian, did they actually think they were picking out lassie, but somehow ended up with Benji's flee bitten, malnourished cousin? or is love truly blind even in the case of k-9 companions?marley dog is the good kind of handsome. it hasn't gone to his head. he's the guy with the really great personality who is still nice because he has no idea how good looking he is.he's practicing his paparazzi dodging. when shia and i get married he's gonna have to get used to being in the spotlight.

yeah I live for little moments like that.

church.
bbq and football.
full tank of gas for $16.67.
good weather and the great outdoors.
sunday doesn't get much better than that.

she looks like the real thing. she tastes like the real thing. if i could be who you wanted. all the time.

i am continuously amazed by the "coincidences" in my life. learning to believe they are messages. the little ways god speaks to me. or rather the ways in which i chose to listen. i have been attempting to discern god's will. really listen to what he has in store for me. to know that it is better than anything i could ever think up. so when he said "go," i went. and when he said "stay," i hesitantly retracted my position in telluride, for a little more time in the queen city. i am not certain of "the plan" and any efforts to figure it out are ultimately fruitless. it is what it is. and i know when i get there. so i'm enjoying the journey. taking time to look around me. pause and take in the view. it's beautiful from where i'm standing.

[what i have learned this week.]
1. reading is fundamental. i just finished "the shack." which ties into the little coincidences i mentioned above. apparently forest hill church is doing a series on the parabolic novel, and i am looking forward to following along. i have found it necessary to find a church to attend. some place to call home while my home is in the clt. i check out renovatus a couple of times. i enjoyed the service. passionate and welcoming. but i'm not sure how much of my comfort level was the church, and how much of it was the fact that i know so many of the people in attendance already. i don't want to choose a place of worship because that's where all my friends go. so i checked out forest hill church. the message was on discerning god's will. yet another one of the lord's funny little coincidences. he continues to throw all of this stuff in my path until i finally notice. i'm stumbling around blind and too stubborn to ask for help until all of the sudden i look up...and there "it" is. well look at that. golly jeez. but i'm learning. i'm not as slow as i once was.
i liked forest hill. a little large. but it didn't feel as large at is actually is, so that's good. and i knew some people. and i liked the worship. i'm open to other options, but i plan to attend at least through the holiday series.

2. you can't believe everything you hear. i am in a position to be understanding, but it's hard to care for someone's heart when they are falsely representing themselves. shame is a lonely place and no one should live there. i have some free time if you want help moving!

3. i am capable of forgiveness. my ex boyfriend's sister text me last week. i hadn't heard from her in two years. and while my first response was uneasy and anxious, i have settled in quietly. i was fearful that any communication between the two of us would make its way back to mikal. and i realize now that if i am to continue on in a friendship with kim, it can only be done if i am able to forgive the wrongs and hurts of my old relationship. i cannot proceed in fear of him. holding onto the anger and resentment. he cheated on me and disrespected me. but it's impossible to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. and while that in no way excuses him for his behavior, i have to accept responsibility for my part of the equation. and doing so releases me from painful ties. binds and breaks. there is freedom in forgiveness.

help me stay awake, cause i'm fallin'.

[this is what today sounds like]
the longer i run - peter bradley adams
see you soon - coldplay
you have my attention - copeland
perfect blue buildings - counting crows
moon - dada
falling slowly - the swell season
you can close your eyes - james taylor
close your eyes- jump. little children
out of the woods - nickel creek
fake plastic trees - radiohead

don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. they can be healing waters and a stream of joy. sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.

i am especially fond of you.
that is what i took from this book. the shack. the theme. the message. left me with fat, warm tears rolling down my cheeks. not fully processed, but working through it. i'm in it right now. in the middle. i wont pretend i understand grace. i'm a work in progress. needing a written reminder that i am loved. branded by that four letter word.

::so why do i have so much fear in my life?
because you don't believe. you don't know that we love you. the person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love...i am not talking about rational fears regarding legitamate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. to the degree that these fears have a place in your life, you neither believe i am good nor know deep in your heart that i love you. you sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it.

::do you realize that the imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you? it is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. it is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. you try and play god, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear.

::people are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. they hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. they find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. no wonder grace has such little attraction. in that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside.

:: paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotion.
most emotions are responses to perception-what you think is true about a given situation. if your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. so check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms-what you believe. just because you believe something doesn't make it true.

:: if anything matters then everything matters. because you are important everything you do is important. every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again.

-william p. young

well, i want you to rescue me. and i want you to let me go.

[this is what today sounds like. the track - claire small]

tell me, do you feel the same? are you glad i came? can i walk you home?

[charlotte] - air traffic

[in the spirit of continued exploration, here is a list of potential charlotte adventures. care to join me?]

NODA
[1] amelie's french bakery
un cafe, s'il vous plait?
relax in the cafe environment drinking coffee and sampling the breads and pastries. all the yumminess of paris without the expensive plane ride.

[2]gallery crawl
first & third friday of the month. FREE. can't beat that. and i am hooked on the artwork of duy huynh, featured at lark and key gallery. acrylic on wood. if i could paint that is what i would want to create. i want them all for my personal collection.

[3]the dog bar
back in wilmington, the marley dog used to be able to come to the local bars with me and my roommates. icehouse. blue post. barbary coast. but we have never had a bar that caters to k-9's and their humans. beers and bones. that's what i call a good time.

[4]cabo fish taco
i love mexican food. the freshness of the ingredients. the spicier the better. i could probably eat it everyday and never get sick of it. check out the awesome vibe and amazing food. it's a little loud in volume and decor, so plan on getting a little rowdy.

[5]neighborhood theater
pretty big names in a quaint little venue. the way live music should be.

UPTOWN
[6]mint museum

[7]levine museum of the new south

[8]the light factory
take classes. watch films. i am embarrassed i haven't been here yet.

[9]blynk organic
i am on the verge of going vegetarian. it's a big commitment. not sure if i can hack it's inconvenience and expense. but i guess my health should be a priority. raw food diet anyone?

[10]mert's heart and soul
i may be a yankee by birth, but i'm southern at heart. or stomach. bring on the bbq pork and collard greens.

PLAZA MIDWOOD
[11]thomas street tavern
a good place to hang out. gab a pint. play some ping pong. sit by the fire pit. busy enough to meet some new people, but mellow enough to carry on a good long conversation.

[12]dish (drop the "the")
veggie plate and bourbon sweet potato pie. amen.

[13]the penguin
love to eat there. hate to smell like i just ate there. fried pickles? yes, please.

[14]hong kong vintage
fun clothes. decent prices.

broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them, but will neither fill them nor free them.

this moment.
a painful memory.
i let it wash over me.
push through it.
pausing briefly in the past.
the future doesn't exist.
it's merely a concept.
no such thing as preparation.
all i have is the present.
be here now.
i love where i am.
that's progress.

and her heart is strong. it's strong enough, if only you could see.

there's a teardrop on your shoulder, says this is the time of times.

if you think about someone hard enough, long enough, do you think it's possible they could feel it? that somehow they would know? definitely, maybe.
this weekend provided an abundance of answered prayers. random. unexpected. god is good, but i am worn out from the growth process. i took yesterday off to unwind. a little alone time in the woods, running trails and racing thoughts. some quality quiet time. and i settled into my week by organizing, vacuuming, laundry and baking. chores for my heart. seemingly tedious tasks that bring me great pleasure and peace.

Just finishing up in the kitchen, i received a text. presumably a smart ass exchange from my roommate, but alarmingly received from an unknown 910 number. wilmington. the message attached could only be from two possible people. i guessed kim. my assumption was correct. my ex-boyfriend's older sister. my very good friend. but i hadn't heard from her in two years. i had just spent the weekend in holden beach. driving down the main drag through shallotte, i was reminded of her and her daughter, madeline. the first child i got to know. met her at three months old and watched her grow into a toddler. she called me fruit loop. and won my heart. i love her. and i have missed her. my own desire for children has led my thoughts back to her. the years i got to spend as her 'aunt'. and now, i am unexpectedly reconnected. good but overwhelming. driving through town i let the past wash over me. just be. i didn't dwell in that place. instead i made new memories. fun friends. good food and adventure.

now back in charlotte, she wants to email me. to catch up. i miss her, but am unsure how to navigate a friendship. my ex hurt me so severely. more than i had originally understood. it has taken me a long time to get to the comfortable place i am resting in. i am at peace. but it upsets me that a friendship with her could result in his undeserved knowledge of my life. how can i know her again and keep him separate? is that even a healthy path to tread?

i spent the night on the couch, watching juno and my roommate's methodical laundry folding. no closer to an understanding, but comforted by the good choices i have been making. confident i will find a way through this as well.

[my "almost'' niece and nephew. i got to watch him be born-ed]

there's no place like home.

"When you find yourself in the center of His will, you truly feel as if you have arrived 'home.' You find yourself in a place so unfamiliar from all that you have ever known but with so much peace you never want to leave."
-emily h.

how do i get 'there'?

she said, i don't know if i've ever been good enough. and i don't know if i've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me.

i am extremely grateful for this time. for this place i find myself in life. for all of you whom i share it with. i greatly appreciate your kind words and notes of encouragement. your continued interest in my meandering thoughts. my seemingly endless self analysis. i started this blog as an attempt to stay in touch during my travels. to let you all know i was safe. that i was steering clear of the wild potato seeds. but it has evolved over the months. become a sort of apology to myself. a place to ask forgiveness and grace. to hold myself accountable for the lessons i have missed and to recognize the places where i have been true. i write for myself. in an attempt to understand where i have turned off course. i tend to take the long route in all things. and i am excited for those times that you might relate. for the moments when i am not alone. but i am also saddened that my experiences may have caused you pain or that your understanding stems from the similar. it has been painful to write. and i am certain on many occasions, painful to read. i have made a good many mistakes. but i am trying to learn from them. to make good decisions. get a healthy perspective. to forgive myself. and in order to do that i need to make amends with my ghosts. thank you for giving me a safe place to express my thoughts and a comforting venue to explore my heart. thank you for sharing yours.

be kind, for everyone you know is facing a great battle.

i was reading for small group the other night, and as i grew frustrated with the lackluster pages in my hands, i closed the book and reached for another that was lying on the coffee table. i was four chapters in before i even noticed. waking the dead by john eldredge.

life is a continuous assault on our hearts. we must practice words of life. find comfort in community. recognize that our hearts are good. that they matter to god. that is key.

"you have an enemy. he is trying to steal your freedom, kill your heart, destroy your life...very few people live like that. the alarm goes off and they hit the snooze button, catch a few extra winks, gulp down a cup of coffee on their way to work, wonder why there are so many hassles, grab some lunch, work some more, come home under a sort of cloud, look at the mail, have dinner, watch a little tv, feed the cat, and fall into bed - without once ever wondering how the enemy might be attacking them. all they know is, they sure aren't enjoying that abundant life christ talked about."
what does deliverance look like?

and i try to draw the line, but it ends up running down the middle of me most of the time.

if a guy likes you he will let you know. it seems like a simple enough concept.
a friend and i were talking last week. he explained a situation that he found himself in. one of his female friends had a crush on him. she had been making advances. crossing the line. it was time for the d.t.r. he had to explain to her that he didn't share her feelings, but that it was only his opinion. it didn't make her bad. there wasn't anything wrong with her. things might be awkward. she might cry. but he went anyway.

this is not an isolated incident. not resigned to this specific girl/guy scenario. it happens quite often. it happened to me. i have a friend that i used to spend a fair amount of time with. never alone. always a blast. and i fell for him. it was unrequited. but i continued to put him in various awkward positions, which he gracefully maneuvered around. ultimately leaving a lot of distance between the two of us. hurtful but necessary. i haven't been able to put my finger on the process of things until now. looking back on the past year. listening to my new friend explain his predicament. analyzing all the details of myself. i think i have come to some fair conclusions:

i fell in love with one of my best friends. or rather, i fell in love with what he represented in my life, at the time. a projection of emotions. the first good thing after a series of bad. the first person i have ever cared for who actually seemed worth my time. who didn't take advantage of that fact. he was nice. and sincere. and i was completely myself. but he didn't want me. and although i knew he cared about me it was extremely difficult to separate myself from the awful lie that his lack of affection for me somehow depleted my self worth. but i managed. the first time i was able to see through that curtain of negative self talk. we remained friends. but i continued to push. and he continued to withdraw from my advances. there is a reason women were not meant to pursue. it throws off the whole balance of things. it is not the natural design. but when you grow up feeling invisible you tend to crave attention. all i have ever wanted was to be noticed. to be picked. deemed worthy. and i have chased after my hearts desire on numerous occasions because that fearful girl in my heart cries out. she wants to be seen. and loved. to know that she is beautiful. i don't want to be glossed over. so i create a diversion. make a scene. cry for attention. it's pathetic.

i have had a series of bad relationships. always seeking validation. ending up with men who don't know themselves. who can't possibly know my heart. too confused to even know where to begin. at a certain point you have to step back and ask yourself, "what is the common denominator? " and when you realize the answer is sadly you, you have to wrestle the more difficult question, "what is it about me that attracts this one type of man? what am i putting out there?"

i have spent the last two years working really hard at soothing that side of myself. accepting my shortcomings. giving myself grace in the places where i used to want to slap myself silly. i want to make wise decisions. i want to have a gentle and quiet spirit. but i often find myself on the other side of things. so far across boundaries. impatiently chasing. when i should just be still. focus on what is in front of me. the lord has said 'no' to me on multiple occasions. and i have continued to seek after what i craved. but running on the trails today, thoughts racing, i look back on the past couple of years. i can see what i would have missed. i am getting a glimpse of the reasoning. all the things i would have traded in had i been permitted to bury myself in someone else. if i was allowed to find validation in an other's affections, i would have missed out on a lot of really fun parts of myself. i would never have gotten to know the sides of me that can only be revealed when alone on the road. as much as i crave companionship i am very aware that my time alone has been purposeful. a chance to learn that my heart matters. more than i could have ever imagined. i had blinders on. tunnel vision. but the lord has patiently pulled me aside. when i wanted to settle, he showed me the world. why do i doubt? even now, writing these words? look at all that i have made for you. your heart matters to me. that seems impossibly big. but it's true. i can feel it on a good day. and i pray that i can continue to follow after that thought, instead of chasing after fleeting approval. trying to mend my brokenness with the fellow broken. it can't be done.

i can see things clearer now. amazing the effect time has on perspective. i can let go of my death grip on the situation. be grateful for what it is. i miss my friend. i am so sorry i wasn't able to get past myself sooner. i have acted selfishly and out of fear. and i have prayed for a very long time for a chance to right my wrong. to put it all back to the beginning. he has played an integral part in awaking my adventurous spirit. challenging that side of me that i hid away so long ago. i believe people come into your life for a reason. and in my frantic need to be noticed i failed to recognize the purpose behind our meeting. but i can see it now. in the calmness that i am learning to foster. the practice in gratitude. i am deeply embarrassed by my behavior. apologetic for my awkward advances. and immensely grateful for another chance at friendship. nice and sincere.

we watch the season pull up its own stakes.

and catch the last weekend of the last week.
before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced.
another sun soaked season fades away.
-dashboard confessional

sun breaks through the canopy, casting a collage of light and shadows on the trail. padded beneath my feet. fallen leaves and pine straw. the smell of damp earth. i run through the woods. charging hills. heart pumping. chest burning from the chill in the air. scamper to the top. bound down the far side. a run. not a race. i win just because i got outside. the soundtrack playing in my ears. this is what today sounds like.

solsbury hill-peter gabriel
the time of times-badly drawn boy
out of range-ani difranco
stolen-dashboard confessional

The best place to meet a guy is at the supermarket...

...you don't need to waste a lot of time there, either. You see a guy holding a list, you know he's married. he's in the frozen food section carrying a small basket, he's single. i like to hang out by fruits and vegetables, there's a better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.
-must love dogs

i have spent a good portion of the day searching the classifieds. scanning through craig's list. sending out my resume. touching up my portfolio. it's exhausting work, this business of trying to find work. it's a little bit daunting to have so much unknown in front of me. there are so many jobs i could do if given a chance, but i look awful on paper. i have a random collection of skills and trades. and although they seem quite amusing at times, my trivial knowledge has come in handy on many occasions.

but it's hard to get excited about a career move when my professional goal has shifted over the years, from film director to the wife/mother/freelance photographer tri-fecta. there really isn't an application for that position. although i think i would have some pretty good credentials. i cook. i clean. i carve a mean pumpkin. place an ad in the classifieds: cute, crafty, and clean-seeks-smart, funny and adventurous. bonus points for nerdy.

i know i am supposed to be enjoying this "single season" (and if another person tells me that i may have to vomit) but it's rough. i am going to have to steer clear of places that cause me to stumble. i don't think i can go to target anymore. there are children everywhere. and when i see them, i ache. a slight, but very real, physical pain. i am ridiculous. i am aware. but recognizing that doesn't make it go away. i've been having visions of my daughter for the past two years. since i first moved to charlotte. i am watching from across the street, like a scene from a movie. i can see my self crouch down in front of her. adjust her small coat. zipper it under her chin. her face hidden by her hair. her back towards my view. i don't know her. but i love her. she is very real to me. and lately, when i have seen small children i have felt a ghosting weight against my hip. the tiny warm body pressed to mine. and it's comforting. and upsetting. and probably a little bit weird. what else is new.

show me what to do, cause i've been trying to find my way.

[this is what today sounds like]
.:speak to me gently - future of forestry
looped on my playlist when my heart is heavy.
.:love song - jason morant
run to it. played loudly. chest tight with tears.
.:revelation - third day
my most recent theme song. my prayer.

Dear Lord,
My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without...

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

it's all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out.

i just married off my best friend. months of planning. weeks of preparation. the big day has come and gone. i am exhausted. and delighted. and left at the gates wondering what is next.

on a brisk november evening, i stood alongside nine women who share one common bond. we have all been touched by the amazing and creative heart of kelly mcgauran [conklin]. she changed my life. eleven years of adventures. one of the most loyal friends i have ever known. she makes my heart happy. and it is with immense joy that i stood in front of friends and family, on saturday, and watched my lil' kelstar give her heart to the man she loves. it has been an amazing privilege to watch the couple over the past two years. to see their growth. and witness their triumphs and trials. to see the man that joel has become. charged with the responsibility of caring for the women kelly has grown into. i am confident he will do his best. i am confident in his love for her. and that the lord has many wonderful things planned for them. they are a blessing to me. congratulations conklin couple.

now what?

i have been staying with two friends for the past few weeks. privileged to sleep in their amazing house. tons of room and a big backyard for the marley dog. lots of laughs and hang out time. i was a little uneasy about living with boys. unfamiliar territory. i missed my girls. they knew how to navigate me. knew my heart. what was on my mind. and i felt out of place here, for a while. no door to close myself in. things spread out all over the floor. transitional. unsettled. it is interesting to see yourself through someone elses' eyes. to watch the boys question my 'ways'. baffled by my eccentricities. my order. my routine. it makes me laugh at myself. which is good. and i have become comfortable in this place. i no longer feel like a stranger in these walls. i know where the can opener is. what day the trash should go out. and that the boys love pancakes.

the past few weeks have been wonderful. my life is entirely up in the air, but i have had a constant and comfortable place to lay my head. no pressure. no ticking clock. it's all in my head. that nagging feeling that i should have it all figured out by now. but i also have a comfort in my heart. i am where i am supposed to be, for now. i'm supposed to stay put. even though my urge is to flee. i tried to run to telluride. it is a huge personal accomplishment that i obeyed my heart. that little voice in my head that spoke of unhealthy situations. not-so-great decisions. potential for drama. and why position myself in the line of fire when i have incredible community here? i am comfortable with my decision to stay in charlotte. although i do not know how temporary/permanent my time will be. i am excited for what this will bring. christmas with my family. deeper bonds with new friends. more time at the white water center. hikes in the mountains. my girls.

i am staying put. which means i need to leave. i have been playing house. cooking and cleaning. the consummate caretaker. and while it has been wonderful and fun, it is not real life. my heart longs for a family of my own. i would get married tomorrow, if i could. sitting around the breakfast table, with a happy couple and a contented bachelor, ultimately causes frustration. i should be content that i have these moments with friends. content that i can care for them and do nice things. that they greatly appreciate my help around the house and love my dog. but at the end of the day i am temporary. and i want to matter. this game has been immensely entertaining. i have laughed at our antics more than my fair share. but i want the real thing. i'm getting too old for games.

so i put it in your hands, lord. put me in my place. although the boys have assured me they are in no hurry to get rid of me, i suddenly find myself feeling out of place. my original purpose here has come and gone. and i am left behind. i don't want to be in the way. inept. unable to care for myself. perhaps this is practice in asking for help. to really know i can't do it on my own. but i'm stubborn and all too independent. and i am so fearful of being a burden. a wound i have carried around since childhood. please know that i am trying. that it is not my intention to be a mooch. that i am so grateful for the generosity and hospitality. thank you for a safe place to land.

the wedding party. [literally]

nothing short of thankful.

dear lord,
thank you for kelly. for the love and adventure we have shared in our friendship over the last decade, plus. i heart her big time. and i pray for this day. that is finally here. thank you for beautiful weather. good friends. and the opportunity to spend time with people we love. bless this day. bless their travels. thank you for kelly. thank you for joel. i am so grateful to call them friends.
amen.

let the dancing commence.

so speak to me gently.

i'm searching the stars in desperate hours bound to find meaning.
god shows a face in this desolate place and tenderness meets me.
-future of forestry

it has been over a month. i have been waiting in this desert for a word. a glimpse into where i am supposed to be. i received an email from my mom. she asked me to come home for christmas. it will be the first holiday the three of us have spent together in five years. hillary. momula. me. after my experiences this summer i promised myself i would stop saying 'no' to my family. to those who love and know me best.

so, i am saying no to telluride.
at least for right now.

it is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

i'd love to wake each morning knowing exactly who i am and where god is taking me. zeroed in on all my relationships, undaunted in my calling. it's awesome when i do see. but for most of us, life seems more like driving along with a dirty windshield and then turning into the sun. I can sort of make out shapes ahead, and i think the light is green.
-john eldredge [waking the dead]

kingdom economics.

you are here. [living here. 11.02.08]

stay at the center of the circle and let all things take their course.

telluride update.
my housing fell through on saturday. i found a place that was affordable and dog friendly...and the landlady gave it to a couple who was already in colorado. so it goes. dennis and i are still pounding the pavement, as the phrasing goes, although that may just apply to job searching, but i'm trying not to lt it feel like pounding my head against a brick wall. it's frustrating to be dependent on someone else for help. hmmmmm...i sense a theme here.

so, still homeless for now. praying for my place in the world to be made clear. although i am accepting that that is not a concrete idea, changes as i grow, and may in fact be a variety of different places. i could be at home pretty much anywhere. i'm fairly certain of that, now. i'm adaptable. i guess springton lake's sixth grade social experiment was successful. i adapt to change quite nicely. and as much as i like routine, it's good to throw a curve ball every once in a while. keeps me on my toes. i'm shaking things up a bit in my ISFJ personality. bring it!

these are some good times. so take a good look around. you may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this.

taking bridal portraits for my best friend: $0. spending a sunny afternoon riding the trails with my adventurous roomie: $0. curling up on the couch with a beer, watching football with friends: $0. not spending a single dollar on the best weekend i have had in a long time: priceless.

this was a great weekend. one of the best i've had in a long time. and i worked friday night and sunday night, too. it's different now. i'm serving people, but it's different than waiting tables. and while i felt like i was less of a person for being a waitress, so impatient to get into the 'real world,' i am really enjoying the freedom catering provides. and the time to spend with interesting people. i have had some amazing conversations with the people i work with. and have seen some phenomenal homes and events. this is definitely a different charlotte that i am used to. fancy four course, sit down dinners, at a private residence. backyard tents transformed into magic gardens. a fantasy land. a party for capitol boutique. check out the vertical garden. fashion designers and important people from vogue magazine. so beautiful it gives me goose bumps. and decorating ideas. yay.

and i had the privilege of photographing my best friend. she's beautiful. one of those girls you see on the street and you just think how cool they must be. she's got a great style. and she makes it her own. tall and slender, she can pretty much put on anything and she rocks it. but seeing her in her wedding dress...drop dead gorgeous. joel isn't going to know what hit him, when she walks down the aisle. we played uptown, saturday morning. the light was good. the sun was a little high, but it was workable. and getting hair and makeup would have been way too early if we had hit it at an ideal light. a homeless guy acted as art director. posing kelly for each shot on the church stairs. it was adorable. and funny. and made the scene a little more relaxed. it's awkward being in front of the camera. especially when you are used to being the one behind it. kelly and i like to do photo shoots and it's amazing how quickly we freeze up when we switch sides. even though we know what we would want to see and are comfortable with each other. there's just something disconcerting about being the subject. but kelly was perfection. amazingly beautiful. i am so excited.

after a late night catering (i rolled home a little before 2am) and an early morning behind the camera, jeff and i had decided to hit the trails at the whitewater center. make the best of a warm, sunny afternoon. get our butts out side. we were both exhausted and jacked on caffeine but in good spirits. unfortunately we left our skills at home. i took my first spill. slipped on a pile of leaves, tipped down a hill and landed upside down, with my head about two inches from being dunked in the catawba river. i wasn't hurt. barely a scratch. and i laid there for a few seconds laughing hysterically at how ungraceful my maneuvering had been. my spill ended up helping me, though. i was a little more relaxed about the trails after that. which made it easier to get around. i fell, and survived, and that helped me get more comfortable. jeff decided he had to show me up. he had to top my air born stunt. so he hit a tree brach and flew through the air onto a nice pile of rocks, snagging his middle finger, and overextending it, as he rolled to a stop. it was a pretty amazing display. i'd give it a nine point two. the landing was a little rusty. slight deduction for actually getting injured. but he toughed it out and finished the day. and we sat around and watched the rock climbers until his hand throbbed. it was good times. we definitely left our a-game at home, but what we lacked in athleticism we made up for in comedy. good times.

my perfect day was capped off with a little football. i mean seriously, could it get any better. after a long, tiring day, i got to eat yummy food (jeff actually cooked. paybacks for all the pancakes, i think) and curl up on the couch with an amstel light. we watched the gamecocks beat tennessee. a room full of south carolina grads and myself. it's cool to watch football with fans. makes it that much more exciting when they get all into it. makes me wish i had gone to a school with a football team. if i had it to do over i would go to UT. hook 'em horns. but i'll just watch them and wear my orange hoodie and look forward to going to my son's peewee football games someday.

church yesterday. checked out another service at renovatus. the pastor is really passionate. and i like the way he preaches. i've never experienced anything like that before. not at all scripted. very spirit led. authentic. i like authentic. like is too short to waste your time on being fake. and i worked a party at the mint museum. was home by eight and got to hang out with more of jeff's friends. tested our "white-ness". (took the quiz from the book stuff white people like.) i'm pretty white. and watched the marley dog entertain everyone. you should not play ball in the house with him. hilarious. he isn't the brightest dog, but he is wicked cute. i like to think that if dogs are a reflection of their owners, that he got my awesome personality and good looks and that his crazy antics are a separate inheritance. but it's a fine line.

overall, my favorite month started off with a five star weekend. looking forward to this coming saturday. kelly and joel will be tying the knot. gettin' hitched. sayin' i do. and we'll break it down til dawn...or at least til they kick us out of the reception hall. dance party. yee haw!

look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours

marriage and weddings and honeymoons. lots of talk about it all. seems like all my friends are getting married. it's pretty exciting. and catering weddings. it's a great way to experience the options without having to pay for any of it. all the planning and organizing. the stress of every little detail. the money involved. i find it so difficult to justify spending my life savings on a few hours. i am in no way down playing the importance of the day. the significance of ritual and symbolism. i just feel that my money and energy would be better spent a little less traditionally. and seriously, when have i ever done anything traditionally?

if i was getting married i would want all the people i love in one place for a few days so i could really spend time with them. it's sad that the bride and groom only get to bounce from table to table thanking their guests for their support. I want a weekend of dinners and late night chats. i want a simple ceremony and big cookout with lots of dancing. all my friends and family. good food. good music. under the stars. for the entire weekend. atleast.

my friend kristen found this spa in colorado when she was doing research for a project at johnson and whales. it's near telluride. just across the mountain. you can rent the entire town of Dunton Hot Springs for $17,500 per day, Friday and Saturday. $15,000 per day, Sunday thru Thursday. Accommodations for up to 42 people. All meals for 42 people. Non-alcoholic beverages. Exclusive use of all our facilities, including the hot springs, Saloon & banquet areas. Horseback riding, etc. Amazing. If i was ever going to shell out some cash...this would be the way i would do it. Atleast a three day wedding celebration. I figure finding someone to share my life with will be such an amazing feat, it deserves a proper party. all my favorite people in my favorite place thus far. count me in. it'll probably be a while, but you might want to dust off your skiis and hiking boots.