there are no mistakes. there's what we do. and what we don't do.

never in my life have i been in a situation to decide between two jobs. "do what's best for you," offered my good friend when i questioned what to chose. i don't know what that means, entirely. what if i make the wrong decision? does that even exist? i am torn between a position at the hotel which will provide status and experience and a dependable income. but at the expense of early and long hours and an inflexible schedule. i can already feel myself dripping with jealousy and resentment as all my friends gather for dinners and concerts and ultimate frisbee...and i am tucked away in mountain village. or i could find myself behind the bar at brown dog. the restaurant that i left this winter. i am forcing them to make a decision as to whether or not they will offer me more than the lowly server's position. a better wage and a four day week makes me want to settle back in at BDP. the flexible schedule and free access to festivals makes this summer sound promising and exciting. but will i feel like a failure. for stepping down the ladder? is that even a valid concern? i came here for community. i came here for adventure. fulfilling demands for omlettes and cappucinos doesn't seem very adventurous.

i need money. but i feel the richest when my heart is satisfied.

all my life i've been searching for something. something i can put my finger on.

i have been trying to capture the proper words to describe my adventures east. the city tour twenty-ten. but nothing seems to properly encompass the feelings i felt while sitting across the table from some of my favorite people. sharing meals and conversations. walks through parks and rooftop sunsets. i am so grateful for these moments. and i carry them with me even at this present moment.

brianna and i are never in the same city. but i love her to little bity pieces. hey friend, i hope you are stalking me! because i love that we share our lives so intimately and openly. i love your heart and your spirit. and i hope someday we can make dinner parties a weekly event!

cuddling with erin. or not. since the pillow barrier made the point quite clear :) dinners at the nut. hanging with the family. planning adventures. sharing our hearts. i miss my sis.

wedding fun. lunch at the biscuit. helping my sister, lauren, move into her new life. it's amazing to be this comfortable with someone. to pick them out as "mine" and have them pick me too. I knew we would be friends. i love that we are family.

bonding at the dog parks. filing each other in on the past year. and the comfortable feeling like i just saw katie last week. colorado adventures. big risks. love this girl.

sitting next to alex, i am reminded of what a wonderful man he is. being drawn into those endless conversations. reminds me of what i should be looking for. grateful for what we had. a year gone by and it seems like yesterday. telluridian magic.

the sound of sarah's voice echoing "audie" as the elevator doors opened to reveal my long lost friend. a wound healed. my heart is happy.

finding sameness in johanna's life. laughing at the thirteen years of distance and the remarkable similarities in our stories. and her cleaning pep talk: gotta make it clean like audrey's bedroom. all these years and that has stuck with her. too funny.

blackened soles. charcoal aromas. grilled tofu made especially for me. jam's curls and adorable style. and the way she always asks questions about you. i miss my roommate. our beach days on the front lawn. what a warm spirit.

i knew i was going to know kyle for a long time. but sitting in a living room in denver, drinking beers, and watching him and mike play rock band with friends is a welcomed surprise. things always end up better than i ever could have planned.

i already miss you all. and hope to see you very soon, indeed.

Every day counts. One night matters.

i have had some down time lately. no one is in town. i am currently unemployed. and it has snowed the past three days. yes, in may. so i have been catching up on hulu. glee. house. and to my most delightful of surprises...Friday Night Lights. This phenomenal show has returned to NBC from the depths of Direct TV just in time to entertain my chilled and lonely little body. I am super excited to get back in the swing of things in Telluride and ready for all my friends to return from their respective hajj. but in the mean time i will curl up in my awesome new bedroom with a hot cup of tea and matt saracen. Yeehaw!


Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.

somewhere in middle america.

nebraska at dusk makes me homesick. long stretch of road between me and colorado. sixteen hours inside my head. i'm lonely. i want a hug. i miss nick. i am pathetic. damn state. you and your stupid corn.

it was this thing that happened today. other things will happen other days. things will happen tomorrow.

So, I got my mom hooked on drugs...technically just a show ABOUT drugs. marijuana, to be precise. Which is funny, if you know my mom. I managed to convince her to try one episode of "Weeds." Four episodes later she was a "junky." i hope she knows that Weeds is the gateway show to a much more serious Showtime addiction. Bring on Californication and The Tudors.

pick a day. enjoy it - to the hilt.

oh, all that i know, there's nothing here to run from. and there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

every evening at eight-thirty, my sister's alarm clock goes off. "good morning hillary. it's time to get up and take your medication," my dad's voice cheers from the four inch plastic cube. the first time i heard it i almost hit the ceiling. cartoon cat style. clinging to the tiles by his bare little claws.

some ladies that i love.

i heart wawa.

morning walks with the marley dog. a little alone time and a yummy breakfast. wawa coffee (with soy milk) and a muffin from sweet potato cafe.

i wanna talk about it. all the crazy things that we can not tell. i wanna turn back the time. i wanna live in the story i tell.

this is what today sounds like.
sitting cross-legged on the kitchen counter, sipping malbec, and snacking on ceviche and tortilla chips. chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. music low. lightening bugs flash outside the screen door. the wind blows the curtains back, holds them suspended, momentarily. falling softly back in place. catching up after a long day of arts and crafts and gardening.

this is what i sometimes dream my visits home would be like.

instead i find myself standing in front of the sink, washing the dishes my sister has let pile up, while she sits indian style on the couch across the 300 square foot space, channel surfing with my mom. the television blaring at high volumes to accommodate my mother's hard of hearing and my sister's proclivity to heavy breathing. hillary shouts commands and spills coffee in her lap. caffeinated. she'll be up all night. and she comments on my silhouette. i'm too skinny except for my thighs. and my butt. and my chubby cheeks. but i have good hair. so it's okay.

sometimes it's really hard to come home. i have to mentally prepare. relax. breathe. let things roll. when i get anxious my insecurities fly to the surface. food issues rally and i become self conscious and irritable. and it's hard to ignore my sister's pokes and prods and needling comments. but i do. or i try my best. and i bite my tongue when she taunts my mom with accusations of special treatment. always comparing herself to me. complaining that i am the favorite. that i am loved. more. and i roll my eyes when she isn't looking and choke down that lump. the one that rises when my little voice whispers in the back of my mind. "dad likes you best. so i guess we're even." sometimes i just want to shut her up. tell her to shut the fuck up. but it's no use. we aren't playing with the same rules. we aren't even playing the same game. and i feel ashamed and embarrassed that i would even try to compete.

the weather has finally cleared. and we were able to walk in the state park. five miles through the trees and along the creek. hillary complained the entire way. but i walked ahead. and tried to make light. it must be hard to be her. and be uncomfortable in her body. and be wary of other people. and have such a short attention span. so we retire to her living room. piled onto her futon watching movies that don't suck and snaking on humus and tortilla chips. and watching the sun cast shadows across the carpet. and feeling the breeze blow over our bare feet. planning the dinner we will prepare together. and getting excited about this evening's episode of glee.

well, i am getting excited. hillary and mom are skeptical. how can you question a show about random burst of music and synchronized dance? real life needs a little more music. when i was little hillary and i used to choreograph dances to michael jackson's thriller album and our favorite, madonna's like a prayer. this video brought back so many memories of fifth grade. hillary and my version wasn't quite the production but it one of my fondest memories of our time growing up together. family is good. even when they are hard.

headed down south to the land of the pine. thumbin' my way into north caroline...

for the second time, in as many ski seasons, i have had the pleasure of venturing a little further west to soak up some sun and sand in the desert of utah with a few of my favorite telluride folks. this year's adventure found us in moab for one glorious evening by the campfire, and then two fun filled days in goblin valley. climbing mounds of hardened dirt and hiking slot canyons. feasting by the fire and sleeping under the stars. it's a good time to slow down from the slowed-down life. telluride is simple living but things tend to get hectic the last weeks of the season. there are moves to be made (just lugged all my belongings three blocks down the valley to a new awesome home for the summer. wait til you see my view!), jobs and unemployment options to be sorted out. parties to attend and friends to say farewell to. i have gotten quite good at most of the aforementioned. i can pack and move in an afternoon, work keeps slipping into place miraculously, late nights at the bars are a welcome interruption to my previous 4:45am wake-up calls, but the goodbyes still get me. it still hurts to know my favorites will be a little farther away than i would like. and sometimes there's the possibility i may not see them again. but paths tend to twist and turn and i wait and hope for the next time they cross or merge for another adventure.
so i've moved all my things into a new house. piled high in the corner they will wait for my return. i've got a little traveling to do in the mean time. utah was just the start. thrown on the front leg last minute, but much needed and very delightful. watched sunsets with the boys. made some new friends around the campfire. was reminded how small the world really is. as if the arching dome of nightly stars didn't impress that point enough, i come to find my new friend jay is cousin's with my ol' charlotte friend tim. i love random connections. after exploring the rocks and sand i headed east with my trusty sidekick marley dog and dave byers, our newest partner in crime. he is headed for the appalachian trailhead in georgia, and i said i would be much obliged to take him, if he would let me document his first steps. so the journey goes. now off to charlotte, north carolina to see my "family" and photograph my friend's wedding. looking forward to some southern hospitality and catching up times. bring on the hushpuppies!

my ears are always open to your laments. and my will is always weak for your advances. and i'll play the maid and clean up the mess.

eharmony is not for me. i don't know why i thought it was a good idea. i live in a town of two thousand people. so basically i'm paying to be set up with long distance relationships. been there. done that. the long distance part. not the paying...meh.

soon comes rain. dry your eyes. fall asleep. spin the sky. skeleton me. love don’t cry.

This is what today sounds like.

I played beer pong last night for the first time ever. Civil War actually. Which is apparently a much more intense version, with two teams of three players tossing ping-pong balls into the opponents nine cups. When your friends are twenty something frat boys, a game of beer pong is a common occurrence. But until now I have remained oblivious to the rules, only knowing the concept sounded completely unsanitary. Especially when played in the kind of dirty dive bars that host tables.

We played in my friends’ apartment. Using a broken closet door and two chairs as our makeshift table. I was picked last for my team since I was the weak link. The boys thought it was unbelievable that I had never played before and were teasing and taunting me. Steve said he couldn’t believe my sheltered existence. I wonder what he would say if he knew that while other college kids where hosting keggers and playing flip cup, I was helping my mom care for my mentally ill sister and attempting to keep my head above water between work and class. A brief stint with drugs and sex, ended by a friend’s death. An overdose on oxycontin. There are definitely a few normal college kid things I missed out on, but I would never claim to be sheltered.

The evening wound its way to Ob’s, where all good evenings find themselves. And we chatted and played music on the jukebox and reminisced with visiting friends about last season. Somewhere in the drunken haze I found myself in a serious conversation. Standing in front of one of my favorite people, I explained myself the best I could, and he hugged me and held me tight. And told me I was beautiful. Amazing. Talented. And that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. He pulled his sleeve and whipped my tears. And encouraged confidence. But it's hard to hear these things. They hit my ears and fall silently to the ground. How do I learn to believe these things? How do I learn to own these traits? This is my story. The turn the tale always takes. And it left me frustrated and feeling even more alone.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I hate sleeping alone. It's sad and pathetic. But true. And I realized one night, as I crawled into bed, that the limp covers next to me, and the cold pillows, remind me that I am a failure. Every night. Every single night, I am plagued by the idea that I have failed to become the wife and mother that I thought my thirty years would bring me. I imagine the day when I will have warm arms wrapped around me. When someone will stand before me and tell me I am beautiful and amazing AND actually pick me.

I watch as all my friends get married off. And while I would someday like to be married myself, I realize I am enjoying my freedom to travel and try new things. If I was to settle down it would have to be with someone who isn’t interested in in actually settling any time soon. I like this gypsy life, but it would be even more exciting if I had a companion to share my adventures with. I have seen so many amazing things in the last couple years, but when your adventures are alone or armed with your trusty canine sidekick it’s kinda like they never happened. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone you can turn to and say, “Hey, you remember the time when we…”

But for now I am trying to stay focused on what’s in front of me. The things I can actually do something about. I had my first art show in town. My work is currently hanging in the Ah Haa School of Arts. And I had an opening reception that was well attended. Part of the first Thursday gallery crawl. My roommates came to support me. And the fellas. And a lot of people I have never met. They seemed to enjoy my work and the manner in which it was displayed. Gotta love ghetto rigging on a budget. I sold two photographs. Which might not sound like a lot, but it’s always flattering when someone likes my work enough to hang it in their home.


So I’m trying to stay crafty. I decorated my bedroom with branches and birds. Trees and birds seem to be ever present in my life. They make me happy. So I’ll keep them around. I am learning to knit. I have been cooking up a storm and am getting ready for spring time activities like running, hiking ,and bouldering. I’m setting goals. Imogen Pass run and summiting some fourteeners. Selling yummy vegan goodies at the farmers market. Like I said, you’ve gotta make your own adventures. And the opportunities abound out here in Colorado. I’m hoping to wrangle some friends into camping trips and fly fishing tours. And I still want to learn to shoot bow and arrow. I hope to occupy myself with so many wonderful experiences I don’t have time to concern my self with the ticking biological clock. And I hope to be so worn out from my exhilarating adventures that the empty side of the bed goes unnoticed as I drift into dreams of bluegrass and sunbathing on the front lawn. And maybe heading down under for the next winter season.

somedays i feel affected and then it all disappears. rain and clouds above my head, and then it all disappears.

dakota skye.
i recently stumbled across this film while searching through netfix, trying to figure out when the next episodes of weeds were going to be mailed out. i got sucked in. and i have watched it twice. i'm a sucker for cute, nerdy boys. especially ones that like bowling and hiking mountains.







i realized i've never had a man tell me they were "in love" with me. mikal told me he loved me. and when he performed with his band he would hold his closed hand in the air in front of his chest. he heard once that the human heart was the size of your fist, and as cheesy as it sounds now, this was his way of telling me he loved me with all his heart. our little secret, laid before the crowded rooms.

but then he would cheat on me, and his actions never matched his words. so i love you became a string of painful syllables. too easily tossed around.

i read this passage in jon krakauer's book "into thin air. it made me really happy. and really sad, too.
"i was forty-one now, well past my climbing prime, with a graying beard, bad gums, and fifteen extra pounds around my midriff. i was married to a woman i loved fiercely-and who loved me back. having stumbled upon a tolerable career, for the first time in my life i was actually living above the poverty line. my hunger to climb had been blunted, in short, by a bunch of small satisfactions that added up to something like happiness. "

someday.

but you've run away from me, and you've left me shimmering like diamond wedding rings, spinning dizzily down on the ground.

this is what today sounds like [moth's wings - passion pit]

two of my friends stopped by the other night to pick up my new roommate. (who is adorable and sweet and so incredibly interesting. AND she makes the most amazing bread i have ever tasted). i was attempting to take a nap but it's difficult to sleep in a house with the comings and goings of four other people and marley dog barking when guests come to the door. so i came down to make tea and found the crew standing in my kitchen. two of my favorite people in town. and we chatted briefly and then they left. and it occurred to me through the conversation i had with sophia, that they were going to my other friend's house for the evening.

and i wasn't invited.

i smiled and waved as they walked out the door. but when the handle latched closed, my heart sank. i have never felt so left out. and i have no idea why. i consider these fellas to be some of my best friends in town and it kills me to know that they didn't even think to invite me along. meh.

so i spent the weekend hanging out with my roommates and a new friend and his sister. and i saw concerts and skied and ate yummy food. and it was fun. and i realized i can't rely on other people. i have to entertain myself even though i would rather spend my time in the company of others. sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you would like.

so i am enjoying some simple things.
-bouldering at the rock gym on tuesdays and thursdays
-netfix (i am addicted to the showtime series "weeds"
-dakota skye
-homemade hummus and target brand tortilla chips (blue corn with flaxseed. yummy)
-living in the purple scarf sarah gave me.
-new music (check out Prepschool) i love techno/disco dance music
-free yoga on mondays
-cranial sacral massage
-hot tea and warm socks

i have to learn to be less sensitive. just go about my business, enjoying the little things in life and when someone actually "shows up" be pleasantly surprised and enjoy the moment. more smiles. less tears.