load the car and write the note. grab your bag and grab your coat. tell the ones that need to know, we are headed north.

after months of waiting, i am headed north. and east. i'm going to visit my boyfriend and my mom next monday. a little family time sounds perfect right now. curled in front of the fireplace drinking tea and catching up. i am grateful for my decision: forego a three day trip to austin city limits in exchange for two weeks in new england with two of my favorite people. exploring albany with jonathon and getting to show him around deer isle. playing in boston with my momula. riding trains and exploring museums. big city living. coastal cuisine. one last adventure before the winter season is upon us. i welcome it with open arms. this summer was good but hard. and while i feel like i have nothing to show for it, i have tried my best to make the most of the autumn. it is my favorite. and while some favor spring, this is my nesting time. cozy clothes. good food. football and beer. last night i sat on the ski slope watching the sun set over the mountain range and laughing as marley tossed snow in the air, to himself, i sighed a deep breath. this may not have been the season i was hoping for, or expecting, but it wasn't boring.



















in the past few weeks i have been fortunate enough to assist a professional photography workshop, along side a published artist, climbed two mountains, found a new position at the hotel (if all goes well i will be cooking two days a week) and created many yummy and delicious meals for myself and my roomies. here are two of my new favorites:

::Carrot and Cilantro Soup::
1lb carrots
1 tbs olive oil
3 tbs Earth Balance
1 onion, chopped
1 celery rib, plus 2-3 leafy celery tops
2 small potatoes, peeled
4 cups vegetable stock
2-3 tsp ground corriander
1 tbs chopped cilantro
1 cup plain soy milk
salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

-Heat the oil and 2 tbs Earth Balance in large skillet and saute the onion for 3 to 4 minutes, until slightly softened.
-Add chopped celery and potatoes to the onion and cook for a few minutes. Add the chopped carrots and continue to cook for 3 to 4 minutes stirring, and then cover.
-Reduce heat even further and sweat for ten minutes.
-Add the vegetable stock and bring to a boil. Half cover the pan and simmer for 8 to 10 minutes, until potatoes and carrots are tender.
-Melt remaining Earth Balance in a sauce pan and saute ground coriander for one minute, stirring constantly.
-Reduce heat, add copped celery tops and cilantro and saute for one minute. Set aside until required.
-Blend soup in blender or food processor. Stir in milk and cilantro mixture. Season to taste, heat gently. Serve garnished with reserved celery leaves.


::Ginger Pear Cake with Carmel Butter Cream Frosting::
[The recipe as shown below is made with vegan substitutions. no animals were harmed in the baking of this delicious cake]

we stood on the porch and watched the snow make magic of the sky.

snow covered the ground and continued to fall around me as i stood on the front lawn last tuesday morning. i had made plans to go to moab with a good friend from work. two ladies camping in the desert for three days. it was going to be spiritual. but when your driver is from louisiana, and her first attempt at driving in the winter weather is at five thirty in the morning, on three hours of sleep, with you as a passenger (note: you quite recently rolled her roommates vehicle down a snowy embankment) you politely decline, and make plans to reschedule with more cooperative precipitation.

and then you spend the snowy afternoon drinking hot cider and carving pumpkins. listening to records on your roommate's turntable, sipping good beer, and snacking on toasted pumpkin seeds. salty and hot from the oven.

sometimes when you want to be bear grylls, the martha stewart comes out instead. embrace the crafty nature.

funny which words stick around twenty years down when you're driving alone...

[this is what today sounds like]
telluride is a strange place to move if you are a girl with abandonment issues. the transient nature of the town breeds deep connections on a shortened time line. there's a lot compressed into a little bitty village. and the feelings are real and the relationships are good if not brief. and then you are left morning this wonderful thing that vanished, perhaps never to be seen or heard from again. but this person has touched your spirit. and perhaps on this occasion you have created a lifelong bond. or maybe this is someone to always hold dear in your memory. gratitude. no expectations. i'm still learning this one.

but this place is magical. a vortex of healing and escape. i hope i am in the former category. i waited a long time before i made my move. i wanted to be moving on instead of running away. and yet, some how, so many of the difficult questions have followed me through the winding western roads, into my cradle. my safe place. and i find myself fumbling again. short of breath and anxious. insomnia plagues me. and nightmares haunt my restless sleep. i drag myself from bed in the mornings. and i often cry myself to sleep. this sadness wont leave. i have begged it. pleaded with it. and although i would never be so selfish as to take my own life, at these moments i can see where it might seem appealing. an end to all the pain and suffering. but that is the great lie. and i push past it in hopes that the sadness, doubt, and fear will be met equally with joy and fulfillment. someday. when i stop doubting myself. when i can feel my worth.

thirty hit me over the head. all these years and i am still no farther along. how emotionally defeating. i simple phone message from my father can send me spiraling. and all my fears come rushing back. will i ever be good enough? how do i keep from being too much? too much, but not enough.

i woke from a fretful dream the other night. i found myself confronted with my ex-boyfriend, curled on the carpet with another woman. it broke my heart all over again. and i turned and ran down the hallway. but this time, in this sleepy reality, instead of allowing his lies to defeat me and condemn me, i fought back. i yelled. i swung. i beat the shit out of him. and i woke even more exhausted than when i lay my head on the pillow. and when my tears subsided and i drifted off once again, i found myself alongside a good friend. and he did me favors and made me laugh and when i thanked him he kissed me on the mouth. i watched myself stand there in awkward silence. and this dream "me" mustered up the courage to ask him what he meant by that kiss. and the question was greeted with a laugh. and dismissed as if i was absurd for thinking it would ever possibly mean anything of importance.

i lay in my bed, watching through open blinds, searching the black for signs of snow. emotionally wrought. exhausted but unable to sleep. the phrase "dating is not an option" loops through my head. the idea that i'm not datable. unlovable. i never questioned this reply, but how do you recover from such a vague dismissal? how do you not blame yourself for the wrongness of your character? how do you accept this girl that everyone else leaves behind? how can you love her enough to make it all alright?

this summer i met a boy who didn't walk away. but he moved two thousand miles from my embrace. and i find myself wondering if this is the only reason he hasn't left me. and i find myself waiting. always waiting. for him to leave. and as much as i prepare myself for this possibility, it will hurt. his absence will leave a hole. and i find myself wondering how many holes before i disappear completely.