and when you need a place to run, for better or worse i got you. -leona lewis

i sped home on my bike tonight. frantically escaping the crowded bars. trading in the noise and bustle of people around me for dark and empty streets. cool breezes and star filled skies. i had a conversation today. another version of one i seem to have every so often. when i feel i need to figure out my life. and i beat myself up for not knowing what the hell i am doing. or where i have spent the last thirty-two years of my life. when i run around like a complete spazz, trying to find some concrete evidence that i have not been here in vain. but all i can do is stand, trembling, shaking my head, staring at my empty hands.

in all my inarticulate ramblings today, becca, this is what i meant to say:

“I got to thinking about how much time I spend in my life crashing around like a great gasping fish, either squirming away from some uncomfortable distress or flopping hungrily toward ever more pleasure. And I wondered whether it might serve me (and those who are burdened with the task of loving me) if I could learn to stay still and endure a bit more without always getting dragged along on the potholed road of circumstance.” (Eat Pray Love, p. 173).

time is slipping away. accept it and you'll get it some day. -deer tick

i went to lunch yesterday with a boy i have had a crush on since i moved to town. he's not my type. if i even have such a thing. polo shirt. buzz cut. northern roots. but the blue eyes are enticing.

we made plans on saturday night. cemented them on monday. and as i was getting ready to walk out the door yesterday he calls me in a confused state. seems he's made plans for a work interview/meeting and got me confused with some nathan kid. i should have just left it alone and wished him good luck with his new hire, but instead I gave in to his apology and oversight and went to lunch with him anyway. his ambivalence cancelled out my excitement. pleasant conversation was lost on me because i couldn't stop thinking of how i had been forgotten. confused with some obligatory work detail. is it too much to ask to meet someone who is genuinely excited about the opportunity to spend time with me?

may your days be rich and full of wealth. and your nights be long when you need rest. -delta spirit

::this is what today sounds like::

and every summer is a hot token to the cold, cold take of lust. and every autumn singes with the business of sadness.

::this is what today sounds like::

he said i was heady. and i took that as an insult. but he traced my wrist with his fingertips. kissed me. and held me. all night. so maybe he meant intoxicating. instead of overwhelming and reckless.