congratulations that God makes you look up.

my eyes were raw. tears pouring uncontrollably down my cheeks. i admittedly used my sleeve as a handkerchief. wiping snot on my jeans. i went to see Rachel Getting Married. i was not at all prepared for what played out before me. i cry at weddings. but i really cried at this wedding film. the family dynamics twisted my heart into a knot that sat perched in my throat for the duration. intense. moving. brilliantly dysfunctional. my favorite movie of this year. anne hathaway's character is gloriously broken. the truest film i have seen in years.

warning:bring tissues.

And I struggle with God so much, because I can't forgive myself. And I don't really want to right now. I can live with it, but I can't forgive myself. And sometimes I don't want to believe in a God that could forgive me. But I do want to be sober. I'm alive and I'm present and there's nothing controlling me. If I hurt someone, I hurt someone. I can apologize, and they can forgive me... or not. But I can change. And I just wanted to share that and say congratulations that God makes you look up, I'm so happy for you, but if he doesn't, come here. That's all. Thank you.