no matter how gingerly she put the puzzle of her past together, she was always cut by the sharp edges.

why is it that the broken girls in movies are always the most desirable. their flaws make them interesting and attractive. and the leading man comes to their rescue and holds them close. in real life, broken is too much work. the leading men want to have fun. they want the benefits without the effort.

i got an email from my father last week. and it left me reeling. vulnerable and insecure. and my leading man laid the last straw when he casually announced things were moving really quickly. not necessarily "too" quickly. "really" quickly. i spiraled off the handle. all i could hear was that he was bailing. and while he promised he wasn't going anywhere. was only requesting that i be patient with him, i couldn't calm myself enough to hear him. to believe him. and so now i have damaged something good. and i am not quite clear of the exact fallout. we have yet to hang out again. and i am left feeling rejected and scared. and angry that i am thirty-one and my father still has the power to swoop in out of no where and rock my entire being. i hate that he has that power. and i want to take it back. i want to feel safe and secure.

i want to not feel. not this. not again.

i want to take a lot of drugs and fuck my co-worker. and forget.

i wont.

but i want to.

i want it to stop hurting. i want to be okay.