once i shed the whole of me, then i'll be smiling.

i stood at the kitchen counter last night, grating parmesan cheese, when it hit me...i am happy. truly content with where i am at in this stage of my life. that is a first in a very long time. and an amazing feat considering how unorganized my life currently is. change and upheaval just under the surface. financial difficulties attempting to crowd my contented heart. deep breaths. enjoy this moment. only worry about the controllable situations. tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

i am living in the most beautiful place i have ever been, thus far. i continuously find myself staring up at the mountains in awe of their size and brilliance. it's glorious. starry skies blanket us in the evenings. layer after layer after layer. gazing up as i walk marley dog through the snow covered meadows or lounge in the comforts of a friend's hot tub. steam rising up towards orion and taurus. my roommates point out their favorite constellations and tell stories of their mythical existence. camp tales. and i look around in amazement. this is real. this is actually happening. i am really here. i am working a job i enjoy. and am good at. i live with five very different but sincere and generous people. a living situation i would have never arranged for myself, but which has actually turned out to be uniquely ideal. i don't understand how it is possible to feel so at home in such a short amount of time. to feel like i have known these people for ages, and yet still be excited and intrigued by their company. i have been truly blessed. weeks feel like months. i have made a place for myself here. telluride continues to welcome me with open arms. networking with people on a daily basis. all my needs continue to be met in the most creative and unexpected ways. everyone here is looking out for each other. living the dream. wanting the same for their neighbors. it's a real community.

i'm laying in bed, unable to sleep, overwhelmed by all this goodness. half expecting to wake up from a dream still feeling stuck and out of place. i don't want this feeling of belonging to leave me. i don't want this incredible sense of awe and wonder to fade into the mundane and tedious tasks of the day to day. i want to continue to wake early each day excited to be here, encouraged by the adventurous spirits around me, and in love with my life. my roommates are gone for the evening and i am alone for the first time since i have been here. a glimpse of what it will be like when they both leave for nal in a couple months time. it makes me sad. the fact that things can't stay the way they are. the fear that comes from the unknown. but i rest comfortably in the knowledge that for this brief time i am surrounded by people who appreciate my cleaning skills and care for my well being. who tote me around like their little sister and goof off and continue meaningful conversations. who hug me and make me laugh til my stomach hurts. sarcasm and humility. a love for life. good food. evenings gathered at the house. the kitchen busy with pots and pans. exquisite culinary smells. cozy in the living room chatting away. there is something so heartwarming about breaking bread. almost magical. so i will relish these times. and relax into the daily changes. this life is anything but mundane.

after a long day on the mountain, i retire to warm blankets and a cup of tea. my head stuffy from a cold. it still doesn't keep me down. five hours of skiing. black diamonds. for real this time. bushwacker. plunge. apex glade through the pines and moguls. i've advanced in such a brief time. i already crave another day on the slopes. schedule permitting. i found out today i may have a second job. working for a restaurant on the slopes called alpino vino. wine and cheese and paninis. expensive menu, amazing location. i would literally have to ski to get to work. the money would be good and most appreciated at this point in time, but i will be a slave to the schedule. no days off. no time on the mountain for myself. it may not be entirely bad once the boys leave. something to keep me occupied. but i want to have a life. to be able to provide for myself and enjoy the amazingness i walk through every day. i woke up tonight tense and anxious. i think this is the reason. as much as i feel i should take the job i am equally torn by what i would be giving up. i pray for guidance. and patience. this in between period is rough. don't jump at the dollar sign. make my heart happy. leave room for relationships and church and writing and marley and the mountain. have faith that everything will work out in the end. i will be provided for. trust and obedience. deep breath. relax. i am home. and it is sweet.

bluebird skies and the prospect bowl.

what i did on my day off:
[or...what ryan did and i just aspire to]

but tonight we'll reach for the stars. we'll rent expensive cars. and dream our dreams of a perfect night. and we'll sing our prom theme.

last night i went to "the prom."
that's right folks. on a wednesday night in downtown telluride, the lift-ops gathered together at the new sheridan hotel bar for an old school prom celebration. dresses and suits and tuxes. complete with posed portraits in front of a custom painted backdrop. (there was not a sweet balloon arch, like at the nut prom...but let's face it folks, creating the balloon arch is a dying talent very few possess.) we danced to good tunes and mingled with the tel-ski crowd and made our way home before the stroke of midnight.
::my prom date{s}::my awesome roommates::dennis, greg, and jeff::

elevating the image.

So i may have made elevation imaging history, yesterday. (that's the company i work for here in mountain village). i sold a photo of myself. actually, of myself and the gentleman who purchased the photo. after trying unsuccessfully to convince the group of men to pose for a portrait, they were finally swayed by my agreement to pose with them. the best part of this deal is that the four men each bought a 5x7 of their group and the cowboy bought a 5x7 seven of the two of us. thirty-five dollars for a photo that was actually taken by his friend (with my camera). and will adorn the walls of his automotive shop in arizona. hilarious. i think this may count as whoring myself out, on some small scale...but a girl's gotta pay the bills somehow :)
[a sampling of my mountain portrait/action expertise]
my roomies doing their good deed as telluride tour guides.
[australia day: action shots]

struck brightly by the winter when the snow falls thick and silent i can only hear you breathing.

[reasons i love telluride]
1] i haven't driven anywhere in two weeks.
2] i can wear the same outfit for as long as i want.
3] my roommates cook and bake better than i do.
4] chocolate is a staple in the mountain diet.
5] calories burn faster at higher elevations. my pants fit great!
6] there is something fun to do every night and i still get at least seven hours of sleep.
7] i work a forty hour week but still have three days off.
8] good music and movies.
9] i get to talk to new people and kids every day.
10] this is my office...

I need something to believe in cuz i don't believe in myself.

tripped up.
slipped up.
fallen off track.
i get so easily distracted. selfish. irresponsible.
but i'm reminded of my call to have purpose. to be productive.
don't settle.
it was less than i wanted. and far less than i deserve.

i need something.
I need something to believe in
cuz I don’t believe in my self
I'm sick and tired of getting no where
guess it’ll all work out
And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more
And I need someone to put my trust in
cuz I aint trusting my self
I'm scared of failure, so scared of success
I guess it’ll all work out
And I don’t mind it any more
and I don’t mind it any more
-newton faulkner

love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.

i went to church this morning. woke up at seven. my daily wake up call. time to walk the marley dog. the air is crisp and dry. snow flurries dusted my hat and scarf. it's cold but refreshing. a nice way to start the day. oatmeal for breakfast. gotta keep up the energy for the day. almond butter and raisins and a bit of honey. delicious. headed to big billy's (dormatory style living) to meet my friend beau. she had checked out the catholic service the previous week but was disappointed with the experience. i didn't know what to expect. there are only three churches to choose from. alpine chapel won my vote for two main reasons. one: services are currently held in the nugget theater. a cute one room movie house. shows the same movie for the week then swaps. good stuff too. milk. revolutionary road. curious case of benjamin button. so i knew where it was located. and two: the services in the summer are held on the mountain top. i just thought that was a really great place to worship god. it's difficult to ignore him when you are standing in his glory. aspen. mountains. sky. and more sky.

the congregation was small. less than twenty people. the worship was simple but familiar. guitars and favorite songs. i felt comfortable and welcome. the message was good. matthew eleven. purpose and productivity. a good wake up call. it was more of a class discussion than a sermon. the pastor posing questions and the congregation discussing. but he asked hard questions and made bold statements. and welcomes us back next week. i think beau and i will be regular attendants.

off to ski for the afternoon. i love this town.

my roommates.

dennis & greg

my bed's too big for just me.

arm wrapped around my shoulder pulling me close.
head tucked under your chin, pressed against your chest.
heart beating.
inhale. exhale.
hand resting just above my hip.
fingers trace ribs.
legs intertwined.
toes graze gently as your weight shifts.

i hate sleeping by myself.

if you were here, winter wouldn't pass quite so slow.

"God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you NEED - To help you. to hurt you. to leave you. to love you. and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

a friend of mine emailed me that sentiment. very poignant and timely. i have been overwhelmed this year with the people who have touched my life and encouraged great change in my heart and my physical surroundings. i am continuously amazed at how frequently my life has been overhauled by a mere acquaintance or the persistence of a new friend. my life has played out in remarkable ways this year. and while i would have never thought myself to be sitting where i am, and i can only trace the path in hindsight, it has been a walk of great trust and great faith. one foot in front of the other. as long as i am moving forward i am headed in the right direction. i may not be able to see what tomorrow holds in store for me, but from where i am standing, i can see forever...

in telluride, the snow falling down, standing there alone in that sleepy little town.

living the dream.
that's what people shout out when you greet them on the slopes. how are you doing today? living the dream!

i left work early today. marley dog had gotten sick in the house. one of my roommates stopped by the shop and let me know. he's been home alone a lot lately. if by alone i mean two other dogs, and a medley of people coming and going. but i left work to go check on him and clean up. i ended up sweeping the whole house, scrubbing our bathroom, and doing the dishes. that might not sound like the telluride dream, but it's a pretty sweet deal for me. a little normalcy in my surreal week. cleaning relaxes me. and i have been going since i stepped out of my car.

i arrived in telluride a week ago today. the drive from charlotte was a marked improvement from my maine travel experiences. i slept in my car on saturday night, but came prepared to do so. and sunday evening i found myself in jieun's kitchen in colorado springs drinking hot tea and watching her bake her yummy chocolate chip cookies. i slept in her guest room and ate pancakes in the morning while watching the snow fall out the window. i headed out a little later than expected to give the roads some time to clear. it was slick but manageable. i pulled into telluride at seven and navigated the turns to my new home. followed the beacon of blue christmas lights strung up on the porch. parked my car and stepped onto the icy blacktop. Dennis stood waiting with a big hug. a reunion of sorts. it was like greeting an old high school friend i hadn't seen in ages. only we had never met in person. our friendship has been months worth of emails, phone calls and text messages. weird but good. i dropped my bag in the condo and got marley dog a bowl of water. then we were off to the movies. a tiny and cute little theater in town. greg came along also. dennis' friend from NAL i followed the boys up the hill to the chondola. what would become my daily commute to work. lift one on the mountain. and crossed the plaza to the gondola lift. up the mountain and down the other side in to town. three miles in thirteen minutes. telluride lit up like christmas. you can see the whole village from up there. after sitting in my car for thirty odd hours i found myself seated, once again, for the curious case of benjamin button. i liked it. slow but sentimental.

off to bed. ready for a tour of town in the morning.

headed to mountain village on the way into town. stopped into work to say hello and actually meet my boss. i was hired over the phone. no real interview process. just an email with my resume and photo portfolio and then a loooooong drive west. walked around town. bank. grocery store. introductions to numerous people that passed by. everyone knows everyone here. it's like college all over again. only instead of going to class i stand on a mountain top in the sunshine and photograph families on vacation and listen to languages from all over the world. pretty freakin' sweet. spent the afternoon baking cookies and hanging out with new friends. and ended the day with a delicious dinner at excelsior. dennis treated me to their bar special. twelve dollar menu with a glass of wine. fresh bread and pop overs. mmmmmmm.

wednesday was my first day of work. headed to the shop at eight in the morning. a trio of sleepy bodies (me, dennis, and greg) climbing the hill to the chondola. thrown right in on my first day. no store training. boots on. skis on. free season lift pass in hand. off to shoot the kiddies. pizza and french fries. that's how they teach the kids to ski. straight ahead -> fries...snow plow -> pizza. too adorable. little kids all bundled up slipping and sliding around in the snow. too adorable. the fact that this is my job: too unbelievable.

work consists of skiing to specified points on the mountain and setting up my gear. nikon camera. long lens. flash. post the sign and then solicit...blue bird skies and snowy mountains make for a pretty dreamy backdrop. half of the shots don't even look real. families posted in front of a green screen. the perfect sky and towering terrain merely a computer trick. i found myself staring off into the distance the other day. i can see utah from joint point. mountains in the distance, moab just beyond. i walk around in constant awe. mountains. aspen. sky. stars. layers and layers of stars. staring up at them from a snow covered hot tub. this is the life.

nights are fun and fairly low key although i have been going out for almost all of them. dinner at a friend's house. delicious butternut squash soup. shooting pool. sushi. karaoke. and our very own inauguration day celebration complete with chips and salsa and guacamole. the boys even like board games. movie and music and cooking. it's my turn in the kitchen tonight. pasta with artichokes and tomatoes. rosemary foccacia, of course.

it's a wonderful little town. and trudging the streets on my day off makes me feel alive. skied in the morning. made it down my first double black diamond. i have until march to get good enough to climb baldy. there's a hike to called audrey and i want the photo op. it's a half hour hike and then a double down. gotta work up to that. but for now i continue to network with people and enjoy the fresh mountain air, and my roommates. they have been so helpful and welcoming. six people and three dogs in one condo...real world:telluride.

christmas dinner.

my sister, mom, and i cooked a lot over the holidays. veggie soup and focacia. lobster and mashed potatoes...and my greatest culinary achievement thus far...lobster ravioli in a sweet potato cream sauce. (100% dairy free and made with wonton wrappers). a-mazing. mmmmmmmmmm...



and for dessert...white chocolate poundcake parfait. made with soy ice cream. deeeeeeelicious!

h.o.m.e.

so...i moved to colorado. kinda last minute. kinda a-mazing.

word to the wise.

hmmmm. interesting. this is what i woke to find in my inbox today. very fitting.
colorado anyone?