once i shed the whole of me, then i'll be smiling.

i stood at the kitchen counter last night, grating parmesan cheese, when it hit me...i am happy. truly content with where i am at in this stage of my life. that is a first in a very long time. and an amazing feat considering how unorganized my life currently is. change and upheaval just under the surface. financial difficulties attempting to crowd my contented heart. deep breaths. enjoy this moment. only worry about the controllable situations. tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

i am living in the most beautiful place i have ever been, thus far. i continuously find myself staring up at the mountains in awe of their size and brilliance. it's glorious. starry skies blanket us in the evenings. layer after layer after layer. gazing up as i walk marley dog through the snow covered meadows or lounge in the comforts of a friend's hot tub. steam rising up towards orion and taurus. my roommates point out their favorite constellations and tell stories of their mythical existence. camp tales. and i look around in amazement. this is real. this is actually happening. i am really here. i am working a job i enjoy. and am good at. i live with five very different but sincere and generous people. a living situation i would have never arranged for myself, but which has actually turned out to be uniquely ideal. i don't understand how it is possible to feel so at home in such a short amount of time. to feel like i have known these people for ages, and yet still be excited and intrigued by their company. i have been truly blessed. weeks feel like months. i have made a place for myself here. telluride continues to welcome me with open arms. networking with people on a daily basis. all my needs continue to be met in the most creative and unexpected ways. everyone here is looking out for each other. living the dream. wanting the same for their neighbors. it's a real community.

i'm laying in bed, unable to sleep, overwhelmed by all this goodness. half expecting to wake up from a dream still feeling stuck and out of place. i don't want this feeling of belonging to leave me. i don't want this incredible sense of awe and wonder to fade into the mundane and tedious tasks of the day to day. i want to continue to wake early each day excited to be here, encouraged by the adventurous spirits around me, and in love with my life. my roommates are gone for the evening and i am alone for the first time since i have been here. a glimpse of what it will be like when they both leave for nal in a couple months time. it makes me sad. the fact that things can't stay the way they are. the fear that comes from the unknown. but i rest comfortably in the knowledge that for this brief time i am surrounded by people who appreciate my cleaning skills and care for my well being. who tote me around like their little sister and goof off and continue meaningful conversations. who hug me and make me laugh til my stomach hurts. sarcasm and humility. a love for life. good food. evenings gathered at the house. the kitchen busy with pots and pans. exquisite culinary smells. cozy in the living room chatting away. there is something so heartwarming about breaking bread. almost magical. so i will relish these times. and relax into the daily changes. this life is anything but mundane.

after a long day on the mountain, i retire to warm blankets and a cup of tea. my head stuffy from a cold. it still doesn't keep me down. five hours of skiing. black diamonds. for real this time. bushwacker. plunge. apex glade through the pines and moguls. i've advanced in such a brief time. i already crave another day on the slopes. schedule permitting. i found out today i may have a second job. working for a restaurant on the slopes called alpino vino. wine and cheese and paninis. expensive menu, amazing location. i would literally have to ski to get to work. the money would be good and most appreciated at this point in time, but i will be a slave to the schedule. no days off. no time on the mountain for myself. it may not be entirely bad once the boys leave. something to keep me occupied. but i want to have a life. to be able to provide for myself and enjoy the amazingness i walk through every day. i woke up tonight tense and anxious. i think this is the reason. as much as i feel i should take the job i am equally torn by what i would be giving up. i pray for guidance. and patience. this in between period is rough. don't jump at the dollar sign. make my heart happy. leave room for relationships and church and writing and marley and the mountain. have faith that everything will work out in the end. i will be provided for. trust and obedience. deep breath. relax. i am home. and it is sweet.