it's funny that way you can get used to the tears and the pain. what a child will believe.

it was difficult to press send. but i wanted to be the bigger person. a simple birthday wish. a one line greeting and a recycled photo attachment. the span of seven days and an entirely different feel.

i hiked palmyra peak last week. my goal of the season literaly looming overhead. accomplished with the aid of a deadline. intent on snagging a photo from the top to send to my silly friend who chose ohio over the rockies. if he can't be in the mountains the least i can do is send the mountains to him. so i paced myself with the gentlemen ahead of me. pausing for photos and to catch my breath. 13,000 feet does a number on the lungs.

the view from the top reached out in all directions. i captured the moment and skied to the bottom. i couldn't wait to share the blue skies and snow coveed peaks. i hoped he would enjoy the gesture.

now, one week later i am stalled in front of my computer screen. hesitant to acknowledge the date on the calendar. march 24th. my father's birthday. and while he has failed to recognize mine for the past few years, my sister's voice echoed in my head. make the effort. so i did. a little work in photoshop to erase the k-y-l-e from the felicitations, and the photo was set to go. afraid to put myself out there. was this more than he deserved? will he even acknowledge my effort? what will he think as he stares at the photo of his grown daughter perched atop the rockies? will he pause and take note of all that he has missed out on? will he be proud of me? will he even care?

i made it dad. i survived this life. i'm on top of the world.

today is whatever i want it to mean.

i've done it again. i settled. chased after something that wasn't mine to be had. someone who could care less about me. distracted by their lack of interest. determined to change their mind. he told me i was one of the happiest people he had ever met. the mountain air must agree with me. he told me i was cute. asked me if i knew that. how do you respond to such a question? yes, i am adorable. and i seem like an arrogant snob. no, and i come across self-depricating. i'm neither, really. i'm gaining acceptance of my features. learning to enjoy the curves instead of berating myself for the missing angles. convex instead of concave. i can shake my hips on the dance floor. i can hike palmyra peak. i can eat cookies and mashed potatoes and not dash for the restroom to purge.

so i am cute. and happy. and still not enough. overlooked by this momentay admirer. funny and clever, yes. but i'm over it. no more effort to hang out with him. his weak attempt at spending time with me should have been enough to send me on my way. why make plans only to blow me off in the end? sadly it only caused my heart to lurch in directions it was not wanted. ignore it and it craves you all the more. a resonating effect of childhood abandonment. the resulting damage of an abusive relationship. lack of trust. sinuous self-respect. but i had a little conversation with myself. a heart-to-heart if you will. and i set myself straight on a few things.

life is too short to waste my time chasing. i will probably have to remind myself of this again. but for now i focus on what i want. i asked myself the questions i have circled about for months. affirmed myself of the things i have learned. i am worth more than i ask of people. i am worth time and attention. and i do not have to twist and contort my beliefs and emotions in order to be noticed.

my heart settled into a comfortable place. my focus shifted. dinner party with the girls. karaoke and dancing. completely myself. complacent. contented. and it showed. a friend pulled me on the dance floor. he held me close to him. latin rhythms poured through the room. it has been too long. still perfectly at home there. lights low. crowded with people. i can forget them. ignore them. just dance. the freedom in it. not a bit self conscious. home.

i kissed him. thanked him for the dance. he said he was glad he finally asked me. that i was intimidating. that i made him nervous. he asked me out for later in the week and turned to go only to walk back to my side a moment later. requested that i accompany him to a party. "forget about later. i want to see you now." there was excitement in the urgency. he kissed me when i agreed. a playful, welcomed kiss. easy conversation. a barrage of qustions. contrary to the onesided query of my former interest. he prodded me for details. amassed his own ideas about my character. he had done his homework. and all this time i thought i had been overlooked. all these months he had been paying attention. noting details. and as we talked he rattled off his findings. i blushed at how transparent i seemed to him. how easily he had read me. but he countered that it was my confussing nature that caused him to investigate. "you are not like other girls. you are very, very interesting. definitely different. and sexy. and interesting. and you intimidate the shit out of me."

he continued with his questions. requesting all the details. holding me close. kissing me gently on the neck and shoulders as i explained. i paused in between stories to pull his mouth to mine. passionate. playful. innocent and sweet. until light broke over the mountains and he urged me to go to sleep. tomorrow was going to be a long day at work. but this night was worth it. entangled in each others arms, drapped in the comforter he pulled across me, i tucked my nose below his ear. settled in for a moments rest. shifting his weight, he propped himself on one elbow and pulled me into him with the other arm. "all these guys. i don't understand how it's possible. i don't understand how you don't belong to someone." i stared blankly at him. and he read me. called me out about my past. and i was baffled. laying speachless, i let him kiss me, slowly. then resting his head on my chest he wrapped his arms around my torso. "you are amazing," he said.

i don't mean to seem like i care about material things, like a social status.

this week marks the beginning of what i will call [phase three] of my stay in telluride. it marks a lot of newness. beginnings. ends. future plans. greg left in february. the dynamic in the house quickly changed. and in the past month dennis and i have spent little to no time hanging out together. this saddened me at first, as he was the only person i originally knew here. but it has worked out to my benefit. forcing me out of my comfort zone. dennis left for california on tuesday. i was nervous about him leaving, but i am actually quite at home here, despite his absence. in the past couple weeks i have branched out. made my own friends. created my own adventures. cut the umbilical cord. i have a life here in telluride. people to call on for support and fun and...cheap ski equipment. i love it. i have a new job at a boutique hotel that is in stark contrast to the lifestyle i have been living for the past year. guests spend tens of thousands of dollars on a few night's stay. it baffles me. and while i am more comfortable with my current lack of possessions and freedom to be nomadic, i am pleased to be working for this company. small and close knit. new to the area also, so i have my hand in the establishment. a good look into the hospitality industry. a chance to see if a bed & breakfast may actually be in my future plans. i am amazed how things keep presenting themselves to me. projection. put it out there. present your request[s] to god. he will deliver. big and small. i am in awe.

i read jason mraz's blog on the regular. i love him. not in an obsessed fan kind of way, but on a human level where i can't quite understand how someone in his position could be documenting these shared thoughts and feelings. we are on the same plain. and my constructed ideals of how life should be come crashing down when his words get me. when he reaches out. and i realize maybe we are all looking for the same things. love and gratitude. it's no coincidence. ride that wave. love your neighbor. breathe in the day. sing your songs. climb your mountains. "One impossible day I was avoiding the easy task of letting go while arguing with the demons in my head in an effort to feel love, worth, to have my intuitions confirmed that what I was working on was of value." i keep having moments of light. where i realize out of the haze of the average day that a prayer has been answered. sometimes simple. like my desire for a base layer with thumb holes. low and behold...that's my lumiere uniform. free of charge. and my desire for concrete floors and radiant heating. mine without the mortgage. cozy and warm by the fire a few nights a week. then free to travel for the off season. i have girls who get me. and boys who make me laugh until my sides hurt. adventures. a good soundtrack. a love for life that is contagious. this town is glorious. a freedom i never expected. big skies...and lot's of light.

and in the daylight we can hitchhike to maine.

i'm meeting lot's of interesting people here in telluride. i used to think i was well traveled. i may have been mistaken. but my new amigos have inspired some fun things. here's a list of my to do's in the up coming months. telluride style. and in no particular order...

1] imogen pass run
2] coachella music festival
3] sunrise easter service at the grand canyon (followed by a hike to the bottom)
4] fly fishing
5] summit wilson peak
6] snowshoe
7] hike mountain quail & palmyra peak
8] attempt snowboarding
9] bluegrass festival
10] film festival

there isn't much that I feel I need. a solid soul and the blood i bleed.

i hung out with five incredible boys the other night. had dinner. went for a moonlit hike. and listened to good music into the wee hours. sometimes being a girl is an amazing thing.

this is what today sounds like:
my girls-animal collective
daylight-matt and kim
lights and music-cut copy
kids-mgmt
maps-yeah yeah yeahs