i've done it again. i settled. chased after something that wasn't mine to be had. someone who could care less about me. distracted by their lack of interest. determined to change their mind. he told me i was one of the happiest people he had ever met. the mountain air must agree with me. he told me i was cute. asked me if i knew that. how do you respond to such a question? yes, i am adorable. and i seem like an arrogant snob. no, and i come across self-depricating. i'm neither, really. i'm gaining acceptance of my features. learning to enjoy the curves instead of berating myself for the missing angles. convex instead of concave. i can shake my hips on the dance floor. i can hike palmyra peak. i can eat cookies and mashed potatoes and not dash for the restroom to purge.
so i am cute. and happy. and still not enough. overlooked by this momentay admirer. funny and clever, yes. but i'm over it. no more effort to hang out with him. his weak attempt at spending time with me should have been enough to send me on my way. why make plans only to blow me off in the end? sadly it only caused my heart to lurch in directions it was not wanted. ignore it and it craves you all the more. a resonating effect of childhood abandonment. the resulting damage of an abusive relationship. lack of trust. sinuous self-respect. but i had a little conversation with myself. a heart-to-heart if you will. and i set myself straight on a few things.
life is too short to waste my time chasing. i will probably have to remind myself of this again. but for now i focus on what i want. i asked myself the questions i have circled about for months. affirmed myself of the things i have learned. i am worth more than i ask of people. i am worth time and attention. and i do not have to twist and contort my beliefs and emotions in order to be noticed.
my heart settled into a comfortable place. my focus shifted. dinner party with the girls. karaoke and dancing. completely myself. complacent. contented. and it showed. a friend pulled me on the dance floor. he held me close to him. latin rhythms poured through the room. it has been too long. still perfectly at home there. lights low. crowded with people. i can forget them. ignore them. just dance. the freedom in it. not a bit self conscious. home.
i kissed him. thanked him for the dance. he said he was glad he finally asked me. that i was intimidating. that i made him nervous. he asked me out for later in the week and turned to go only to walk back to my side a moment later. requested that i accompany him to a party. "forget about later. i want to see you now." there was excitement in the urgency. he kissed me when i agreed. a playful, welcomed kiss. easy conversation. a barrage of qustions. contrary to the onesided query of my former interest. he prodded me for details. amassed his own ideas about my character. he had done his homework. and all this time i thought i had been overlooked. all these months he had been paying attention. noting details. and as we talked he rattled off his findings. i blushed at how transparent i seemed to him. how easily he had read me. but he countered that it was my confussing nature that caused him to investigate. "you are not like other girls. you are very, very interesting. definitely different. and sexy. and interesting. and you intimidate the shit out of me."
he continued with his questions. requesting all the details. holding me close. kissing me gently on the neck and shoulders as i explained. i paused in between stories to pull his mouth to mine. passionate. playful. innocent and sweet. until light broke over the mountains and he urged me to go to sleep. tomorrow was going to be a long day at work. but this night was worth it. entangled in each others arms, drapped in the comforter he pulled across me, i tucked my nose below his ear. settled in for a moments rest. shifting his weight, he propped himself on one elbow and pulled me into him with the other arm. "all these guys. i don't understand how it's possible. i don't understand how you don't belong to someone." i stared blankly at him. and he read me. called me out about my past. and i was baffled. laying speachless, i let him kiss me, slowly. then resting his head on my chest he wrapped his arms around my torso. "you are amazing," he said.
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