my ears are always open to your laments. and my will is always weak for your advances. and i'll play the maid and clean up the mess.

eharmony is not for me. i don't know why i thought it was a good idea. i live in a town of two thousand people. so basically i'm paying to be set up with long distance relationships. been there. done that. the long distance part. not the paying...meh.

soon comes rain. dry your eyes. fall asleep. spin the sky. skeleton me. love don’t cry.

This is what today sounds like.

I played beer pong last night for the first time ever. Civil War actually. Which is apparently a much more intense version, with two teams of three players tossing ping-pong balls into the opponents nine cups. When your friends are twenty something frat boys, a game of beer pong is a common occurrence. But until now I have remained oblivious to the rules, only knowing the concept sounded completely unsanitary. Especially when played in the kind of dirty dive bars that host tables.

We played in my friends’ apartment. Using a broken closet door and two chairs as our makeshift table. I was picked last for my team since I was the weak link. The boys thought it was unbelievable that I had never played before and were teasing and taunting me. Steve said he couldn’t believe my sheltered existence. I wonder what he would say if he knew that while other college kids where hosting keggers and playing flip cup, I was helping my mom care for my mentally ill sister and attempting to keep my head above water between work and class. A brief stint with drugs and sex, ended by a friend’s death. An overdose on oxycontin. There are definitely a few normal college kid things I missed out on, but I would never claim to be sheltered.

The evening wound its way to Ob’s, where all good evenings find themselves. And we chatted and played music on the jukebox and reminisced with visiting friends about last season. Somewhere in the drunken haze I found myself in a serious conversation. Standing in front of one of my favorite people, I explained myself the best I could, and he hugged me and held me tight. And told me I was beautiful. Amazing. Talented. And that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. He pulled his sleeve and whipped my tears. And encouraged confidence. But it's hard to hear these things. They hit my ears and fall silently to the ground. How do I learn to believe these things? How do I learn to own these traits? This is my story. The turn the tale always takes. And it left me frustrated and feeling even more alone.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I hate sleeping alone. It's sad and pathetic. But true. And I realized one night, as I crawled into bed, that the limp covers next to me, and the cold pillows, remind me that I am a failure. Every night. Every single night, I am plagued by the idea that I have failed to become the wife and mother that I thought my thirty years would bring me. I imagine the day when I will have warm arms wrapped around me. When someone will stand before me and tell me I am beautiful and amazing AND actually pick me.

I watch as all my friends get married off. And while I would someday like to be married myself, I realize I am enjoying my freedom to travel and try new things. If I was to settle down it would have to be with someone who isn’t interested in in actually settling any time soon. I like this gypsy life, but it would be even more exciting if I had a companion to share my adventures with. I have seen so many amazing things in the last couple years, but when your adventures are alone or armed with your trusty canine sidekick it’s kinda like they never happened. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone you can turn to and say, “Hey, you remember the time when we…”

But for now I am trying to stay focused on what’s in front of me. The things I can actually do something about. I had my first art show in town. My work is currently hanging in the Ah Haa School of Arts. And I had an opening reception that was well attended. Part of the first Thursday gallery crawl. My roommates came to support me. And the fellas. And a lot of people I have never met. They seemed to enjoy my work and the manner in which it was displayed. Gotta love ghetto rigging on a budget. I sold two photographs. Which might not sound like a lot, but it’s always flattering when someone likes my work enough to hang it in their home.


So I’m trying to stay crafty. I decorated my bedroom with branches and birds. Trees and birds seem to be ever present in my life. They make me happy. So I’ll keep them around. I am learning to knit. I have been cooking up a storm and am getting ready for spring time activities like running, hiking ,and bouldering. I’m setting goals. Imogen Pass run and summiting some fourteeners. Selling yummy vegan goodies at the farmers market. Like I said, you’ve gotta make your own adventures. And the opportunities abound out here in Colorado. I’m hoping to wrangle some friends into camping trips and fly fishing tours. And I still want to learn to shoot bow and arrow. I hope to occupy myself with so many wonderful experiences I don’t have time to concern my self with the ticking biological clock. And I hope to be so worn out from my exhilarating adventures that the empty side of the bed goes unnoticed as I drift into dreams of bluegrass and sunbathing on the front lawn. And maybe heading down under for the next winter season.

somedays i feel affected and then it all disappears. rain and clouds above my head, and then it all disappears.

dakota skye.
i recently stumbled across this film while searching through netfix, trying to figure out when the next episodes of weeds were going to be mailed out. i got sucked in. and i have watched it twice. i'm a sucker for cute, nerdy boys. especially ones that like bowling and hiking mountains.







i realized i've never had a man tell me they were "in love" with me. mikal told me he loved me. and when he performed with his band he would hold his closed hand in the air in front of his chest. he heard once that the human heart was the size of your fist, and as cheesy as it sounds now, this was his way of telling me he loved me with all his heart. our little secret, laid before the crowded rooms.

but then he would cheat on me, and his actions never matched his words. so i love you became a string of painful syllables. too easily tossed around.

i read this passage in jon krakauer's book "into thin air. it made me really happy. and really sad, too.
"i was forty-one now, well past my climbing prime, with a graying beard, bad gums, and fifteen extra pounds around my midriff. i was married to a woman i loved fiercely-and who loved me back. having stumbled upon a tolerable career, for the first time in my life i was actually living above the poverty line. my hunger to climb had been blunted, in short, by a bunch of small satisfactions that added up to something like happiness. "

someday.

but you've run away from me, and you've left me shimmering like diamond wedding rings, spinning dizzily down on the ground.

this is what today sounds like [moth's wings - passion pit]

two of my friends stopped by the other night to pick up my new roommate. (who is adorable and sweet and so incredibly interesting. AND she makes the most amazing bread i have ever tasted). i was attempting to take a nap but it's difficult to sleep in a house with the comings and goings of four other people and marley dog barking when guests come to the door. so i came down to make tea and found the crew standing in my kitchen. two of my favorite people in town. and we chatted briefly and then they left. and it occurred to me through the conversation i had with sophia, that they were going to my other friend's house for the evening.

and i wasn't invited.

i smiled and waved as they walked out the door. but when the handle latched closed, my heart sank. i have never felt so left out. and i have no idea why. i consider these fellas to be some of my best friends in town and it kills me to know that they didn't even think to invite me along. meh.

so i spent the weekend hanging out with my roommates and a new friend and his sister. and i saw concerts and skied and ate yummy food. and it was fun. and i realized i can't rely on other people. i have to entertain myself even though i would rather spend my time in the company of others. sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you would like.

so i am enjoying some simple things.
-bouldering at the rock gym on tuesdays and thursdays
-netfix (i am addicted to the showtime series "weeds"
-dakota skye
-homemade hummus and target brand tortilla chips (blue corn with flaxseed. yummy)
-living in the purple scarf sarah gave me.
-new music (check out Prepschool) i love techno/disco dance music
-free yoga on mondays
-cranial sacral massage
-hot tea and warm socks

i have to learn to be less sensitive. just go about my business, enjoying the little things in life and when someone actually "shows up" be pleasantly surprised and enjoy the moment. more smiles. less tears.

always, always she waits for you.

i think one of my biggest fears in life is that my mom will somehow find this blog and read about all the horrible and awful things i have done. that she will finally realize that i am not as special as she once thought and that i am so terribly flawed and fucked in the head that she will cry herself to sleep and ask her god for a daughter that doesn't break her heart.

luckily she seems to be some decades behind the times when it comes to electronics and the workings of the internet. but there is always the chance my aunt could participate in the foiling of my carefully crafted existence. all she would have to do is google me. that is some scary shit. but i knew my words were out there for the world to read. i just haven't given much thought to how they may affect those that i write about. or those that are not privy to my deepest darkest secrets on the regular.

my mom came to visit me in telluride over valentine's weekend. i was sick the whole time but she cooked me yummy foods and we got to spend an evening at the hotel before she left. her idea of a hotel is the super 8 so lumiere was quite the treat. and it was such a pleasure to be able to give that to her. she means the world to me. and it breaks my heart to think that if she really knew me in all my messiness, she might be disappointed.