soon comes rain. dry your eyes. fall asleep. spin the sky. skeleton me. love don’t cry.

This is what today sounds like.

I played beer pong last night for the first time ever. Civil War actually. Which is apparently a much more intense version, with two teams of three players tossing ping-pong balls into the opponents nine cups. When your friends are twenty something frat boys, a game of beer pong is a common occurrence. But until now I have remained oblivious to the rules, only knowing the concept sounded completely unsanitary. Especially when played in the kind of dirty dive bars that host tables.

We played in my friends’ apartment. Using a broken closet door and two chairs as our makeshift table. I was picked last for my team since I was the weak link. The boys thought it was unbelievable that I had never played before and were teasing and taunting me. Steve said he couldn’t believe my sheltered existence. I wonder what he would say if he knew that while other college kids where hosting keggers and playing flip cup, I was helping my mom care for my mentally ill sister and attempting to keep my head above water between work and class. A brief stint with drugs and sex, ended by a friend’s death. An overdose on oxycontin. There are definitely a few normal college kid things I missed out on, but I would never claim to be sheltered.

The evening wound its way to Ob’s, where all good evenings find themselves. And we chatted and played music on the jukebox and reminisced with visiting friends about last season. Somewhere in the drunken haze I found myself in a serious conversation. Standing in front of one of my favorite people, I explained myself the best I could, and he hugged me and held me tight. And told me I was beautiful. Amazing. Talented. And that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. He pulled his sleeve and whipped my tears. And encouraged confidence. But it's hard to hear these things. They hit my ears and fall silently to the ground. How do I learn to believe these things? How do I learn to own these traits? This is my story. The turn the tale always takes. And it left me frustrated and feeling even more alone.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I hate sleeping alone. It's sad and pathetic. But true. And I realized one night, as I crawled into bed, that the limp covers next to me, and the cold pillows, remind me that I am a failure. Every night. Every single night, I am plagued by the idea that I have failed to become the wife and mother that I thought my thirty years would bring me. I imagine the day when I will have warm arms wrapped around me. When someone will stand before me and tell me I am beautiful and amazing AND actually pick me.

I watch as all my friends get married off. And while I would someday like to be married myself, I realize I am enjoying my freedom to travel and try new things. If I was to settle down it would have to be with someone who isn’t interested in in actually settling any time soon. I like this gypsy life, but it would be even more exciting if I had a companion to share my adventures with. I have seen so many amazing things in the last couple years, but when your adventures are alone or armed with your trusty canine sidekick it’s kinda like they never happened. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone you can turn to and say, “Hey, you remember the time when we…”

But for now I am trying to stay focused on what’s in front of me. The things I can actually do something about. I had my first art show in town. My work is currently hanging in the Ah Haa School of Arts. And I had an opening reception that was well attended. Part of the first Thursday gallery crawl. My roommates came to support me. And the fellas. And a lot of people I have never met. They seemed to enjoy my work and the manner in which it was displayed. Gotta love ghetto rigging on a budget. I sold two photographs. Which might not sound like a lot, but it’s always flattering when someone likes my work enough to hang it in their home.


So I’m trying to stay crafty. I decorated my bedroom with branches and birds. Trees and birds seem to be ever present in my life. They make me happy. So I’ll keep them around. I am learning to knit. I have been cooking up a storm and am getting ready for spring time activities like running, hiking ,and bouldering. I’m setting goals. Imogen Pass run and summiting some fourteeners. Selling yummy vegan goodies at the farmers market. Like I said, you’ve gotta make your own adventures. And the opportunities abound out here in Colorado. I’m hoping to wrangle some friends into camping trips and fly fishing tours. And I still want to learn to shoot bow and arrow. I hope to occupy myself with so many wonderful experiences I don’t have time to concern my self with the ticking biological clock. And I hope to be so worn out from my exhilarating adventures that the empty side of the bed goes unnoticed as I drift into dreams of bluegrass and sunbathing on the front lawn. And maybe heading down under for the next winter season.