she called me today. not unusual. she calls me everyday. sometimes multiple times. even though i have asked her not to. promised i would return her call when i could. she doesn't listen. and it frustrates me to no end. she's like a child that way. never considerate of another person. all she knows is her own need. like an infant. not that she is rude, just following the nature that presents itself to her. i called her back when my cell reception was restored. three days on a mountain top and two big states of open range are not ideal for cell phone connections. can you hear me now? no? good! i wanted a little peace and quiet on my mountain. hiking and reading. the rustle of leaves. the gentle lullaby of rain on my tent. i just wanted a few more days of this glorious life i have discovered. take it all in. stow it away in my memories to pull out in the future if i find myself surrounded more by concrete than conifers.
but she was excited. she wanted to talk. today was her first day of class. french. one class. we talked her into taking just one. she has tried a full load multiple times and ends up paranoid and locked in her room. a semester's tuition gone to waste. but she doesn't know any better. none of it is real to her. things she loses. money spent. computers. guitars. cameras. left on planes, trains and automobiles. it is refreshing to see that she has no connection to these "things". not the way i have coveted my belongings. giving them such importance that i would all but die without them. but i can't help feeling like she is being irresponsible. but you must first know how to be responsible in order to be its opposite. and i don't think her brain can quite wrap itself around the need to care for oneself. if it did, if this was its function, i don't think she would find it so easy to do herself physical harm. suicide attempts. drugs. cutting. her body doesn't know. she doesn't know what "normal" is. and it's funny because she has always insulted me, calling me too normal. all growing up she was my little sister. in school. in the family. she lived in this shadow of anal retentive order and over achievement. quite the cast. and she rebelled. and her brain rebelled. splitting from the reality that lay before it. creating an alternate world. her only chance of survival. she shattered into a million little pieces in order to navigate the truth. he split. she couldn't handle it. couldn't understand why we weren't on disneyland vacations and sharing family movie friday.
and now she watches my life. and covets the things that i take for granted. she calls me because she wants to be me. to walk in my footsteps if only for a few minutes. to live vicariously. she wants that connection. just to sit in silence on the end of the phone. calling when she has nothing new to share. she just wants to know she's not alone. to gather up some of the pieces for a time. she's taking french. because of me. and i didn't get it. my mom had to clarify. here i was being frustrated with her because i know where she will inevitably end up. and the whole time she was just trying to be close to me. to hold onto the pieces that matter. i am a horrible sister. i have been irresponsible with her. but i didn't understand. i couldn't see through all the pieces of my own life. and i am so sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment