i need a reminder of what i'm doing. i need a reminder that i'm human.

i pride myself on being a good friend. that is trouble in itself, to think that any of the qualities i possess are of my own means. my friends are my friends because god has given them to me as my most precious and favorite gift. and it is my pleasure to do nice things for them (like drive them to the airport). and they in turn find pleasure in doing nice things for me (like taking me out for mexican). it is a balance. a team. i have the most wonderful friends, and i hope that i have been successful in showing them the same love and support that has been generously lavished upon me.

i have not, however, been so generous as a sister. i have marveled many times, over the past year, at my sister's lack of dependable amigos. no one to rely on. no one to depend on. no one to feed her cat while she is out of town. breaking my heart at the ease in which i have been able to find dog sitters for days at a time in the past. eighty-five pounds of puppy should be much more inconvenient than a five pound cat, yet she was forced to fill her sink with food and water when she headed out west for thanksgiving. i was so angry and frustrated with her. animal abuse, however unintentional. but it is abuse to her that makes me sick now. neglect is abuse. and while i have been quick to jump to the aid of a friend in need, i have selfishly and fearfully turned my back on family.

my friend briana and i have been emailing all summer. we have an interesting friendship. although i may be able to count the number of times we have actually hung out on one hand, i would definitely say that our level of friendship is exponentially greater. she left for africa shortly after we met and returned this past summer just in time to bid me bon voyage on my u.s. tour. but we have conversed in emails as if we have known each other all along. i like this about her. there have been a few women who i have come to know as old souls, here in charlotte. amazing and inspiring. very influential to my growth these past few months. briana lives in my old room and i tried to picture her sleeping in there, but decorated as i once had it, even though i had sold most of my belongings. she wrote me in july about her application to go back to africa. that's where her heart is. she sent me the link to an orphanage she would be working at. i searched the pages for over and hour. children's smiling faces. bright music playing in the background. i was struck by great confusion. my heart was telling me to pay attention to briana. to where she was going. but i didn't understand. i have never wanted to go to africa. but an overwhelming urge to follow her had me calculating time, and distance, what would become of the marley dog, and how in the world this all got in my head. i closed my computer and waited it out. waited for her response. for her to hear back from the organization. her answer might be mine. but the lord sad no. at least at this present time. and as we may well know, the lord has an interesting sense of humor. her heart may be in tanzania, but for the next year, as she learned this past weekend, her body will be in philadelphia. and again i am confused. could this be the reason i felt so strongly about briana's destination? i had to laugh when she told me. oh, of course you are moving to philadelphia! for the first time in over six years i am able to calmly roam the streets and walk the parks. for the first time in as long, i have a desire to go home. and i wouldn't be going alone.

it's scary. the thought of being back in "everybody's home town." it's weird. mostly because it doesn't feel weird at all. but i need to weigh my options. sit on this decision. make sure my motives are pure. that i am not entertaining the city of brotherly love out of a strong sense of guilt or regret. can i be happy there? can i just be? my decisions must not be influenced by a situational high. conversations. there has been too much talk in abstractions. not enough specifics. no action. no boundaries.

so i'm waiting it out. trying to be patient. to be obedient. to have faith. it's not an easy thing for me to do. i am used to chasing. i didn't know that counts as running. i'm learning to be still. remember to breath. so when you ask me what's next i apologize for my vague description, as you stand wide eyed. i will take your expression as a sign that you care for me. that your quizzical look is one of concern for my well being. i don't have any of the answers, though. i am becoming increasingly intimate with the concept of one day at a time. it has served me well in the past few months. i am making wise decisions. or rather, following a wise leader instead of bounding off on my own. so along with your curious questions, i request your prayers. discernment and guidance. home is where the heart is. where is my heart?