Being creative makes you a weird little beast beacause everything seems so bloody interesting for some strange reason.

Leonardo's Mona Lisa is just a thousand smears of paint. Michelangelo's David is just a million hits with a hammer. We're, all of us, a million bits put together the right way. -Chuck Palahniuk

Choice, as my friend Jen recently highlighted, often causes a crippling response. The more options a person has, the more paralyzed they become. This fear of commitment is present not only in relationships but also in professional decisions. Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I grew up decades ago on rural farmland. I could handle the hard work and early hours. And wouldn't life be less complicated if I knew from a young age that my role was to marry the neighbor's son, Noah, and feed the chickens? Adventure would be taking a carriage ride to the big city and fending off coyotes. I would find satisfaction in raising healthy children, and stocking the shed with canning jars filled with vegetables from my garden. Maybe there's too much variety these days. The "perfect job" and "Mr. Right" might just be internet fantasy. Like porn, designed to distract the masses from the things that actually matter.

"Maybe all of my life, all of my decisions are about avoiding suffering. The scandalous truth is that I don’t want a career. I mean, I want one because I have to have one, but I feel like I am on a constant mission to discover which one sucks the least." -Jen Painter

I had to give my therapist a brief overview of my life upon our first meeting. Just an idea of where I was at presently and where I was coming from. It sounded something like this. Grew up. Had friends. Played sports. Joined clubs. Got decent grades. Went to college. Got decent grades. Got a job. Got a boyfriend. Lost a boyfriend. Got a new job. Got a new job. Got a new job. Got a new job. Etc...

Maybe this is a quest to define myself. You are what you eat. I am what I do. What if I make the wrong decision? Is it that big a deal? My therapist walked me through my career choices thus far and pointed out the absence of any major landmines or epic failures. Perhaps the blinders I've been wearing have not only kept me on the straight and narrow, but they have also limited my perspective on the things that I have achieved. I have had the amazing privilege of graduating from college. (I was actually the very first person in my immediate family to garner such credit). But my degree is from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington not Columbia University. And my degree is a Bachelor of Arts in Creative Writing not a Masters in Astrophysics. I have never once held a job that I was, as decreed by my resume, qualified for. I have enjoyed every position I have ever held, but I feel that I have some how obtained them all by some form of trickery or slight of hand. I have never used my English degree. I read and journal, but I hesitate to call that writing. My high school neighbor John, is an author. I keep a silly blog. I designed signage and vehicle/boat graphics for six years. But I would not call myself a graphic artist. That's what Katie and Kelly do. I can only aspire to such creative enterprises. I have photographed areas all over the country. Taken head shots and wedding portraits. My work has hung on gallery walls and can be found in home bathrooms in at least six states (seven if you count my mom's). But I'm just a girl with a camera and a fetish for playing dress-up with my friends. Lauren is the one with the company and the website. Although I've cooked breakfast at a luxury boutique hotel, it feels like a lie to say I was a chef. My schooling comes from potlucks and hungry roommates. Asking too many questions on catering jobs. And watching the Food Network. Recreating Tyler Florence's finest doesn't make me half the chef that Blakely is.

And yet i've managed to achieve and maintain each position of my own accord. Leaving or moving on at my own volition. I feel like I have managed to pull off the most miraculous scam. And I am just waiting to get caught. Waiting for the head honcho to realize I have no idea what I'm doing. So I give up before I get busted. I can't seem to make one thing stick. My repeated failure in relationships has not deterred my efforts to find a partner. Yet even the moderate success I have enjoyed in the work world can not steer me towards one clear direction. When it comes to love I'm pro monogamy. But when it comes to career, I am down right phobic.

"If you are not aware of who you are, you can not be love. You will be fear. Fear is just the opposite of love." -Osho

Caitlyn always tells me I have to love myself first, before I can expect anyone else to want to settle down with me. I hate these pep talks. I have gotten so frustrated with her on so many occasions. And not because I think she is wrong. I whole-heartedly agree with her. But maybe my error comes from being too self aware? From picking things apart until they are unrecognizable? If a word can have multiple definitions, why can't I? Who says I have to pick just one thing to define me?










Perhaps I should more seriously consider my interests. Blending the best off all of them together. I'm thinking B&B at some point in my life. I apparently managed to fool the hotel's high-end clientele into thinking I have my act together. (I found these reviews posted by actual guests I served during their vacations -- Winter '09/'10).

"The breakfast each day was fantastic - not only a big convenience but creative, delicious dishes that varied each day...The breakfasts at Lumiere were outstanding - 5stars. We never left feeling hungry! Most of the time they had a buffet set up (starting at 8am). One day they served us. We had fresh fruit and coffee every morning and especially loved the raspberry glace french toast."

Although, i still think being a farmer's wife, keeping chickens and bees, sounds wonderfully romantic.
And for my next trick...