But that's hard to do when you are "being held captive" on your mother's futon.
My mom has two really annoying habits. (1) It appears that her neck is directly connected to her right foot. Every time she turns her head to look out the window her foot presses down on the accelerator and I choke back the lump in my throat as I claw at the seat vinyl, close my eyes, and brace for impending impact with the vehicle in front of us. It's not fun. People drive to fast and take turns to sharply to be day dreaming and staring off at rock formations and birds flying. YOU ARE DRIVING! Get it together woman. I once made her pull over (even though I was sick) so I could take over the wheel because she admittedly was too distracted by her surroundings and kept veering off the road. (2) She is endlessly messy. She knows this about herself. And it's almost like she's proud of the wake she leaves behind her. She can't make a meal without dirtying every dish in the kitchen. And then she leaves them. Overnight. And the coffee table and kitchen table are covered with random piles of things. Nameless masses of random things. Having to clean for a half an hour before I can use a space is one of my biggest pet peeves. I don't understand why she doesn't clean as she goes or put things away when she's done using them. Aren't these common things parents say to their children all the time? How is it that a mother who allows the burial of all horizontal work surfaces has a daughter who makes her bed daily, color codes her closet and alphabetizes her spices/cd's/dvd's? If that is my rebellion I think she got off easy.
My mom is however, one of the most creative people I know. And as it goes in history creative genius and slovenliness seem to go hand in hand. Perhaps it's true. My creative potential may be bounded by my OCD box, but I am pleased to say that box has crisp corners and a dust free lid. And when I want to do art projects or bake cookies I can find my supplies and I am met with a clutter free counter top -- unless I'm living with Ben :)
This is such a growing experience. And i am very much finding myself in that "awkward stage". Wednesday marked two months since my accident. Two months that I have been on crutches. That I have not been able to take care of my dog. That I haven't been able to carry my dinner to the table. That I have slept always conscious of my movements and my knee. I slept on my side for the fist time a week or so ago. Propped my knee up on a folded blanket. It felt nice to lay cuddled up (even if it was to nothing/no one) blanket up around my head, hands folded like a prayer under my cheek. But my arm went numb shortly after. And I had to roll onto my back. Again. I guess my leg muscles aren't the only ones that have atrophied. It's hard to get exercise here. The weather has been rainy and cold and despite the fact that my mom is always around she is busy doing other things and working (when we aren't going to doctors and dentists). I am grateful I have a place to stay while I heal but I would not have left Telluride if there was any other option at the time. This Tuesday will mark one month since I left town. It's hard to believe it's been that long already. The first three days I was here in Maine I thought I was going to wither up and die from deprivation. I am so homesick. I miss the freedom I had to come and go as I pleased. I miss posting up at The Bean and reading in the sunshine knowing I would be met by friends all day long. Homework breaks with Raegan. Comedy hour(s) with Heidi, Kris and Garret. Coffee with Rae. Bench time with Steve. It was a destination for me. A way to get out of the house. Get some exercise. And stay in touch with my community. I feel so out of the loop here. I know it's off season and everyone is in Thailand and Moab and Maryland. But I can't help but feel left out like I am all alone here while you all are partying down without me. I feel like my life has literally stopped and I am watching all the fun from my repose.
I don't know that I can describe how enormously painful this is for me. I have to ask for help. I have to be patient. I have to give up most of the aspects of my daily life (all of the ones that I truly enjoy) and I am incapable of any physical exertion that would otherwise be my stress relief in similar situations. ie. running, hiking, biking. I miss my friends immensely and friction that is caused by never being truly alone but never being with them either, is grating pretty seriously on my nerves. I need space. I need to be entertained. I'm stuck somewhere between novels and Netflix. What I wouldn't give for a 229 Family Dinner. Or a ladies brunch. Or yoga at the library. I was so overwhelmed for so long. And now I feel like i'm dangling. I feel trapped. And I want to go home (to my two new roomies Maggie and Huntley) and revive my life. Whoever said Maine is "the way life should be" has never been to colorado. I'm flat-lining here people. Somebody get the paddles. Clear.
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