we can write with ink and pen, but we will sow with seeds instead. starting with words we've said. and we will all be changed. -seryn

::this is what today sounds like::

"People always say how you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing like a toaster or something. Like you can know what that is even. But every so often I'll have like, a moment, when just being myself, in my life, right where I am, is like, enough." -Angela Chase

Dentist. Check. Orthopaedic Surgeon(s). Check. Check. Physical Therapist. Check. Psychologist. Check. It's a complete Audrey overhaul. Oh my.

My therapist asked me the question "where do I see the past and the future?" That's obvious, right? Everyone knows the future lays ahead of you and the past is behind. And after a few moments pause to consider the trick I might be missing in such an easy inquiry I conceded to the position of the future. But when I looked around for the past I was surprised to find it directly to my left. Hanging off my hip like a messenger bag filled with awkward memories that I can (in)conveniently access at will.

I've been lugging this weight around with me for as long as I can remember. And I have never been able to put a name to this emptiness and loneliness that creeps into my life at my weakest moments. But I learned today that it's because it has been with me since even before I had words. I learned this sadness as a small child. And I have been chauffeuring it around all these years.

"It's not so much that I don't know who I am, but rather, that I feel the constant need to apologize for that person" (journal entry 2.22.11)

I'm tired. I'm frayed. And the contents of this bag might not even belong to me. At least, not entirely.