as you kneel beside your bed tonight, keep a little prayer for me in sight.

they say you have to have somebody. they say you have to be someone's. they say if you’re not lonely alone, boy there is something wrong...they say learn from your mistakes. that's not always the case. i see 'em and i understand how i made 'em again and again.
-nada surf

in my adult life, thus far, (meaning post high school graduation) i have been attracted to two types of men: a) the quirky nice guy, goofball on screen: joshua jackson (pacey witter), michael cera (paulie bleaker), jonathan jackson (lucky spencer), gregory smith (ephram brown) and b) the attractive, "sincere", "together", guy I seem to fancy in real life. and by sincere I mean he tells you what he thinks you want to hear. and by together i mean he is emotionally unavailable, party-people. my dating life is a masquerade ball, and i seem to be without a costume. a sitting duck. i'm standing there vulnerable and exposed and i keep picking all the wrong characters. i am somehow at fault. this is what i attract. i am the common denominator. self sabotaging. choosing my own inevitable doom.

someone once explained that "i was loving and caring and he knew he could take advantage of me and i wouldn't hate him for it." that's disgusting. one, that he thought that. and two, that it is true. was true. i am consciously trying to avoid being that pathetic girl who craves affection at all cost. trying to be someone who values her worth, knows her rights, and respects her body. that should seem like a logical thing to do, but it feels very unnatural. my standards have been set so low, a measure of where i found myself, that the tiniest thing seems like i am asking too much. but that's settling. and i am done with that. the lord has promised me my hearts desire. and that is overwhelmingly, companionship. a family. a god loving husband and children of my own. that's a lot of pressure. but i think it's a good sign. it means i'm growing, the desire to have children, it means i am finally at a place in life where i feel i can care for others in a healthy manner. i crave that responsibility. it is a pang in my chest. and while i still find it difficult to expect more from a man, i am lowering my expectations for myself. i don't have to be perfect. it will never happen. i am fun, and eccentric, and outdoorsy, and while i would hope these attributes would be a welcome package, i seem to be coming up short. a guy once told me that i was the type of girl he would marry, but that i'm not dateable. how do you get to one from the other? and while i have been repeatedly told that i would make an excellent wife/girlfriend i continue to find myself in the dude role. just one of the boys. bob vila. maybe it's protection. self preservation. i can't get hurt if i'm not in the game. but it sucks to watch from the sidelines. to possess the qualities men say they are looking for, but to be benched because i'm not drama. i hate that i have spent even one day feeling sorry that i'm not skinny enough or blond enough. not enough.

but i don't want to feed into the lies i have told myself for so long. i want healthy. i want good. the nice guy. and i know he exists. my friends are marrying excellent examples. they are out there. i just need to work on what i'm drawing to me. i'm independent. maybe to a fault. it's survival mode. i've been on my own since my early teens. i know how to provide for myself. but that doesn't mean i don't know how to share. i just need to learn to trust. with faith like a child.