it's not easy sometimes. they build these walls ever higher and hide behind them. seems an odd way to try and make things right.

i watched jeff play with the marley dog last night. he stood over him, talking in an even tone. marley's tail wagged faster with each question posed, sweeping across the hardwood floor. it was adorable. the marley dog is adorable. he has been such a joy in my life. a constant companion. no one will ever be as excited to see you as your dog. he thinks i'm awesome.

i have recently been presented with the opportunity to live and work in telluride, colorado. a dream come true. my favorite place in all my summer travels. the most dog friendly town i have been thus far. puppy parking? seriously. and yet, i am having difficulty securing housing that will allow his presence. i'm having difficulty finding housing period. there are a lot of options. most being ridiculously out of my price range. $2500/month. this is, after all, a ski resort town. i'll be shoosh-ing down the slopes with the hollywood elite. although it will probably be difficult to recognize a celebrity dressed head-to-toe in fleece and polypropylene. even if it it is from marc jacobs winter collection.

i have a roommate. or the potential for a roommate. my boss introduced us. we have not met in person. his name is dennis. he's a boy. he's twenty-four. these two things present a problem right off the bat. i already know he's outdoorsy and adventurous. if he's nerdy, i am in trouble. my weakness. and i sense that being far from home, cold and lonely, this combination may create a problem. i told the girls about my situation. i didn't want to. i didn't want to tell them because i thought they would tell me not to go. that it sounded like a bad situation. this is precisely why i told them. i make poor decisions for myself. i know what is right and wrong, and i repeatedly watch myself make the wrong choice. i need accountability. i need to be held responsible. i need to take better care of myself. better care of my heart.

i have been back in charlotte for a month and a half. i am still sleeping comfortably in the boys' bonus room. when i am not camped out in the back yard. and they have been indescribably generous with their time and space. i am so grateful for their hospitality. it has made this unsettled transition so enjoyable. but i am sure they are anxious to have their home back. to be back to the bachelor pad that it was previously. free of the silly girl who alphabetizes the dvd collection and boycotts reality television. taking up space on the couch and taking over the bathroom. thanks for putting up with my antics.

i will have lived in charlotte for two years, next month. mid november. minus my three month hiatus. i never thought i would live here. i never wanted to live here. i hated charlotte. the fake city. no skyline. not my scene, i couldn't figure out why all my friends had migrated here. for what? i moved to charlotte because i was told to. i firmly believe god put me here. i would have never chosen this for myself. but he orchestrated it flawlessly. almost effortlessly. go until i can't go anymore. until the doors begin to close. if i am unsure of my direction this is the path i walk. forward. until the lord says no. it's up to me whether i obey or make things difficult. pick my own way. you would think i would know better by now. i don't.

perhaps charlotte is my desert. pam posed this question, monday night. i am here for a reason. and it's hard. and i have spent a long time fighting it and trying to escape instead of relaxing into the work the lord has for me. to do on me. i have no where to live. no job. i am trying to fill in all the missing pieces. i thought telluride was it. go until the doors close. i don't want to leave marley dog behind. he is my heart. my child. i would miss out on his antics. his cuddly furry body thrown down beside me. nuzzling my arm to get me to pet him. the other two people dennis and i were planning on living with are skeptical about living in the place we found. about living with me, too, apparently. nervous that we haven't even met. and i understand that. but there isn't much i can do to resolve the situation.

i don't know what i am supposed to do. i am not stressed. or even disappointed. i can't explain the feeling in my heart. i want so desperately to make the right decision. i want to be where i am supposed to be. i just don't know where that is. and i feel like i'm running out of time.