it's three a.m. and i have been in my head for quite sometime. every fear, every tear has been swirling in my mind.

[ this is what today sounds like: hope ]

i cried myself to sleep monday night. it's been a while since i've done that. girly hormones on top of lack of sleep on top of a laundry list of newness and questions, all compounded by the condition of our fine nation. i'm in a weird place in my life, in the middle of a city in crisis, on the east side of a nation in anguish. this is one for the text books. it's strange to be a part of this era and to feel so powerless and out of control.

i cried myself to sleep for no reason in particular. i cry pretty easily. too exhausted not too. my emotions always riding just under the surface. it's good and bad. makes it hard to keep a poker face. i'm transparent that way. i'm trying to keep a brave face, but i'm pretty much scared. since i've been back in charlotte the big question seems to be "what did i learn?" as if my ford focus was some sort of magic ride and i would return from western lands with "the answers". and in a way i think i was hoping for that, myself. to come back and be all whole and healed. but it's a process. and where i thought the summer trip was the journey, i am starting to view it as the preparation for the real mission. my time out west was my debriefing. getting to know myself more in depth. asking some hard questions. facing the facts. and it's been challenging and good and devistating and amazing.

i got myself all worked up yesterday. i was talking to my mom, trying to finalize a proof for her. i get so impatient on the phone. i am impatient with many things. (especially myself) and i ended up in a tail spin about finances and feeling trapped. a quarter tank of gas and a line around the block. my wheels are gone. i'm nailed down. and i hate that lack of freedom. but it just cements the fact that i am supposed to be in charlotte, right now. no more running. i've got a mission to attend to. i've done the leg work, now the real grit and grime of it.

so i went for a run. some sun. some fresh air. there is a kind of connection between my heart and my brain. the blood starts pumping and my thoughts start flowing. i always wish i had a pen and paper with me for these times. but i try to cycle through my thoughts. flag the main points. remember them for later. after the cool down and the shower. i'm hit with the reality of instability. that it really is all an illusion. that the lord is our only firm footing. but it's hard to keep that in mind when you can't see him. when target purchases and new condos are staring you down and seem like viable options. load up. weigh you down. plan. plot. stabilize. but it's just stuff. none of it lasts.

it's all about relationships. i was recently asked what i though about jesus. and i fumbled. i think about him. i do. but he is more of a concept than a person. (i want him to be real. i need him to be real. but right now his presence is just a feeling that i can't fully articulate) and i know this is the missing piece. the reason my puzzle isn't complete. but i feel like i'm working without the box. i don't have the big picture. and i guess that's the point. that we are supposed to trust that we were given all the pieces and if we just keep moving forward things will fall into place. but i get frustrated all too often. like a child trying to ram two incorrect pieces together. bending the cardboard edges. but even if they jam in place, the color is off, the picture is distorted. i'm impatient. and i get up and walk away. like i'm taking a snack break or something. but it's all unproductive. i know this. and yet i do it anyway. i've been watching a lot of television this past week. any bit of television is a lot for me, but i've been soaking up hours, daily. lost in lives of characters. an escape. my downfall. it's my vice. not alcohol or drugs. it's a bit more socially acceptable, but it's unhealthy in the same respect. so i'm trying to make more time with people. or just be outside. it's amazing how much more difficult i am finding it. to be in "it". in that place where i feel free and creative. so i want to make more of an effort to get into the woods. hikes and bikes and camping are a must. call me if you're up for any or all.

"the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil, but rather have us wasting time" - blue like jazz
in a society of myspace and facebook community, thousands of people at the click of a mouse, why do i feel farther away than ever? ask yourself, when have you ever felt truly validated by a visit to your internet friends? more likely, how many times have you signed off disappointed or frustrated because of something you read or saw. something you were left out of, or unknowingly misconstrued. do you find your heart refreshed and fulfilled by a chat on i.m? i don't. i had to get off myspace and facebook. and unhealthy time suck. they advertise community but we have the opportunity for the real thing. we need to stop separating ourselves. locking the doors and turning out the lights. we are all hurting right now. look outside. look on the news. you can see it. i know a blog isn't an actual conversation. it's pretty much an internet journal. perhaps a cry for validation. but i'm hoping it's more of a place to get my thoughts down. out of my head so i can put a more purposeful edge on the spin and swirl. get a different perspective. a little accountability. there isn't much i can do about the state of the government or the economy. i wont even pretend that i can speak intelligently about either. but i can make time for friends. and be in community and listen and talk and some how this makes everything else a little less frightening. we need to look out for one another. figure out who we are in christ and that will show us where we are in the world. i think that has been the most devastating realization. the dorothy complex. i've been searching for home clicking my ruby heels, and all the while it's been inside me. my heart has been the answer and i've been too scared to look. i have been the cause of so much of my own anguish, and that is hard to swallow. some how it's all connected. i've been experiencing an interconnection for months. me, jesus, god, you all. i just can't connect all the dots yet. but i'm open. i'm trying to be patient. to just be. if god is the father, i assume that makes jesus our brother. and there has never been a better time for family.