where nothing we've actually seen has been mapped or outlined and we don't recognize the names upon strange signs.

it hit me today, that it is the middle of october. and i have absolutely no idea what i am doing after kelly's wedding. i'm playing the waiting game. waiting for a phone call. catering in the mean time. i hate feeling like i'm not providing. but i feel this overwhelming calm about the place where i am at. like i'm supposed to be here. doing what i'm doing. but i'm so used to running around all willy-nilly, clamped down on any illusion of control, that i barely recognize this girl sitting here. living pay check to pay check. trying to find my direction. what next. i'm waiting.

during my stay in chicago i got it in my head that i wanted to organize some outings while i was back in charlotte. make the most of the surrounding areas. i was thinking, at this point that i wanted to live in portland, oregon. to get away from the corporate cookie cutter, striving and climbing and surround myself with organic, homegrown, hippie folks. to live in a place that encouraged individuality and health. and somewhere in my plans for a vegetable garden and hiking trips to crater lake, i realized that my desires would be better put to use here in a place like charlotte. that it would be best to implement the change in my current surroundings. break out. dare to be different. instead of blending in with everything that is already thriving in portland.

so my idea was for a club, of sorts. a group of women who gather together to celebrate our brokenness. to learn from one another's strengths and to support each other in our weaknesses. based on the idea of community. creating a healthy environment to grow spiritually and physically. organizing outings, hikes, mountain biking, runs, kayaking, etc. and making time to break bread together by cooking nutritious and delicious meals for one another. learning how to care for ourselves and offering up an open environment to ask hard questions and share tough times and triumphs.

i thought about this a lot this summer, actually. climbing in the rockies. but it wasn't until this past weekend that i realized just how great it felt to implement. confidence is such an important aspect of an individuals daily life. it affects the way one interacts with others and how they chose to face the day themselves. finding a place in the physical world, though athletics, has been invaluable to me. and i think it's important to share the joy that comes from conquering a challenge, be it a rapid, hill or mile. and knowing we are not alone in this journey makes all the difference. i don't know what will come of this. i've just been tossing around ideas and need some accountability. i don't know where i am supposed to be. but at the present moment i am addicted to the national white water center. and i plan on heading up to asheville/boone to camp and visit turtle island preserve. if any of you ladies are up for some good conversation and a workout let me know. i would love the company.