Last October I was alone in my car, driving home from work. I was belting out some Guster lyrics (headed to the concert that night). I remember it excactly. I pulled through the round-about on Davidson headed towards 7th, and I heard a voice. And audible voice stirred me from my day dreams. "No," is all He said. And I remember asking "why?" outloud, as if this was completely normal. Knowing immediately what the voice was referring to. "Not until you find your worth in Me," the voice came again. I wasn't scared. I wasn't confussed. I wasn't even frustrated or dissappointed by the news. I had been praying for months for God to speak to me. To actually, literally, in the only way I would understand, show me some direction. And "No" is what he told me. And I knew He was right. (Aside from Him being God and Omnipotent and all that jazz) I knew He was right, but it went against everthing I have known up until that point. All the ways I have experienced life. All the places I have looked for fulfllment and validation, and answers. Fix me. Fill me. Fix. Fill. Fall flat...
It's a hard one. I have fought against it for months. Attempting my own ways and solutions. Steering around the issues, fighting for what I want instead of what I need. I have always been the first. To initiate. To pursue. To give my number instead of waiting to be asked. To email or call. And in the rare instances when I was not the one to take the lead I was dispropotionately excited by the measures taken, and simultaneously confused by my new position in the hierarchy. I have always been yearning for approval and acceptance. Some solid source that would tell me I was enough. That would teach me that I was in fact, worthy of pursuit. But how can this lesson be learned by an abandoned child who has tread without caution, throwing herself at the mercy of men who would take advantage of her. How can this lesson be learned when people promise forever and then turn and walk away. Truths were mixed with lies until everything was tainted. The only truth that seemed to remain was that I was alone. And to combat that emptiness I have lept after every hand that has been put before me in friendship. I have been the chaser, even when the voice inside my head has screamed to "back the fuck off. " Overbearing and alone. I am sorry I pushed so hard. Sorry I mistook your friendship for more.
I am tired of feeling deficient. I want to focus on the good stuff. People always say I'm hard on myself. And that you would never treat a frind the way you treat yourself. So I'm trying to take that to heart. If I wasn't me, I think I would want to be my friend. I think this audrey girl is pretty funny. And she looks supper cute in her hooded sweatshirt (sorry...I'm anticipating Fall weather and Football and Dr. Carter on the last season of ER). And I am trying not to be scared of the roundness of things. That's what I'm calling this healthy body. Trying not to think of hunger as a weakness. No more admiring those protruding hips and sharp collar bones. Why does "Skinny Bitch" seem like more of a complement than "healthy woman" ? Because I am deranged? Or because there seems to be a very short supply of self-worth and love out there.
It seems so crazy that we look to all these actors and actresses who daily present themselves to the public looking for validation and approval. People who get paid to be other people. Who spend thousands of dollars trying to look like some other version of themselves, or someone else all together. The whole game is about who looks the best, sounds the best, dates the best. Who sets the standards for all of this? I think actors either know themselves extremely well which allows them to embody and portay the hearts and minds of others, or they are floundering and searching just as much as the next guy. When you get to pretend you are someone else you don't have to deal with who you actually are. Maybe that's why hollywood is such a draw. Fame is the new religion. A dissapointing, unfulfilling one, at that.
I read an article about Cameron Diaz earlier this year. She seems pretty normal. And after reading her response to one of the journalists questions, I thought, this sounds like something I might say. "This year I just sort of decided, you know, there's a lot of things that I've been wanting to do, and I'm going to do them...Just kind of taking more time getting to know myself. It sounds so corny that I can't believe I even just said that, but you know, there comes a time when you really have to get to know who you are...I've just been figuring out what interests me and spending time with people who are important to me and being present in my own life."
Maybe Cameron and I sould be friends?
Or maybe I should just be a better friend to myself.
~She listened to her heart above all the other voices.~She discovered her real measurments had nothing to do with numbers or statistics.
~Life is between the trapeez bars.
~Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
~Writing is a path to meet ourselves and become intimate.
*I may post my marathon training essay. For those of you who haven't read it. And it's a good reminded for me of where I have been. And where I am headed.
*Skinny Bitch is actually a good book that isn't about how to get hollywood thin, but healthy-how-to's and food recommendations. The title is supposed to piss you off. Got me to read it. Nice work, ladies.
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