and i try to draw the line, but it ends up running down the middle of me most of the time.

if a guy likes you he will let you know. it seems like a simple enough concept.
a friend and i were talking last week. he explained a situation that he found himself in. one of his female friends had a crush on him. she had been making advances. crossing the line. it was time for the d.t.r. he had to explain to her that he didn't share her feelings, but that it was only his opinion. it didn't make her bad. there wasn't anything wrong with her. things might be awkward. she might cry. but he went anyway.

this is not an isolated incident. not resigned to this specific girl/guy scenario. it happens quite often. it happened to me. i have a friend that i used to spend a fair amount of time with. never alone. always a blast. and i fell for him. it was unrequited. but i continued to put him in various awkward positions, which he gracefully maneuvered around. ultimately leaving a lot of distance between the two of us. hurtful but necessary. i haven't been able to put my finger on the process of things until now. looking back on the past year. listening to my new friend explain his predicament. analyzing all the details of myself. i think i have come to some fair conclusions:

i fell in love with one of my best friends. or rather, i fell in love with what he represented in my life, at the time. a projection of emotions. the first good thing after a series of bad. the first person i have ever cared for who actually seemed worth my time. who didn't take advantage of that fact. he was nice. and sincere. and i was completely myself. but he didn't want me. and although i knew he cared about me it was extremely difficult to separate myself from the awful lie that his lack of affection for me somehow depleted my self worth. but i managed. the first time i was able to see through that curtain of negative self talk. we remained friends. but i continued to push. and he continued to withdraw from my advances. there is a reason women were not meant to pursue. it throws off the whole balance of things. it is not the natural design. but when you grow up feeling invisible you tend to crave attention. all i have ever wanted was to be noticed. to be picked. deemed worthy. and i have chased after my hearts desire on numerous occasions because that fearful girl in my heart cries out. she wants to be seen. and loved. to know that she is beautiful. i don't want to be glossed over. so i create a diversion. make a scene. cry for attention. it's pathetic.

i have had a series of bad relationships. always seeking validation. ending up with men who don't know themselves. who can't possibly know my heart. too confused to even know where to begin. at a certain point you have to step back and ask yourself, "what is the common denominator? " and when you realize the answer is sadly you, you have to wrestle the more difficult question, "what is it about me that attracts this one type of man? what am i putting out there?"

i have spent the last two years working really hard at soothing that side of myself. accepting my shortcomings. giving myself grace in the places where i used to want to slap myself silly. i want to make wise decisions. i want to have a gentle and quiet spirit. but i often find myself on the other side of things. so far across boundaries. impatiently chasing. when i should just be still. focus on what is in front of me. the lord has said 'no' to me on multiple occasions. and i have continued to seek after what i craved. but running on the trails today, thoughts racing, i look back on the past couple of years. i can see what i would have missed. i am getting a glimpse of the reasoning. all the things i would have traded in had i been permitted to bury myself in someone else. if i was allowed to find validation in an other's affections, i would have missed out on a lot of really fun parts of myself. i would never have gotten to know the sides of me that can only be revealed when alone on the road. as much as i crave companionship i am very aware that my time alone has been purposeful. a chance to learn that my heart matters. more than i could have ever imagined. i had blinders on. tunnel vision. but the lord has patiently pulled me aside. when i wanted to settle, he showed me the world. why do i doubt? even now, writing these words? look at all that i have made for you. your heart matters to me. that seems impossibly big. but it's true. i can feel it on a good day. and i pray that i can continue to follow after that thought, instead of chasing after fleeting approval. trying to mend my brokenness with the fellow broken. it can't be done.

i can see things clearer now. amazing the effect time has on perspective. i can let go of my death grip on the situation. be grateful for what it is. i miss my friend. i am so sorry i wasn't able to get past myself sooner. i have acted selfishly and out of fear. and i have prayed for a very long time for a chance to right my wrong. to put it all back to the beginning. he has played an integral part in awaking my adventurous spirit. challenging that side of me that i hid away so long ago. i believe people come into your life for a reason. and in my frantic need to be noticed i failed to recognize the purpose behind our meeting. but i can see it now. in the calmness that i am learning to foster. the practice in gratitude. i am deeply embarrassed by my behavior. apologetic for my awkward advances. and immensely grateful for another chance at friendship. nice and sincere.