The best place to meet a guy is at the supermarket...

...you don't need to waste a lot of time there, either. You see a guy holding a list, you know he's married. he's in the frozen food section carrying a small basket, he's single. i like to hang out by fruits and vegetables, there's a better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.
-must love dogs

i have spent a good portion of the day searching the classifieds. scanning through craig's list. sending out my resume. touching up my portfolio. it's exhausting work, this business of trying to find work. it's a little bit daunting to have so much unknown in front of me. there are so many jobs i could do if given a chance, but i look awful on paper. i have a random collection of skills and trades. and although they seem quite amusing at times, my trivial knowledge has come in handy on many occasions.

but it's hard to get excited about a career move when my professional goal has shifted over the years, from film director to the wife/mother/freelance photographer tri-fecta. there really isn't an application for that position. although i think i would have some pretty good credentials. i cook. i clean. i carve a mean pumpkin. place an ad in the classifieds: cute, crafty, and clean-seeks-smart, funny and adventurous. bonus points for nerdy.

i know i am supposed to be enjoying this "single season" (and if another person tells me that i may have to vomit) but it's rough. i am going to have to steer clear of places that cause me to stumble. i don't think i can go to target anymore. there are children everywhere. and when i see them, i ache. a slight, but very real, physical pain. i am ridiculous. i am aware. but recognizing that doesn't make it go away. i've been having visions of my daughter for the past two years. since i first moved to charlotte. i am watching from across the street, like a scene from a movie. i can see my self crouch down in front of her. adjust her small coat. zipper it under her chin. her face hidden by her hair. her back towards my view. i don't know her. but i love her. she is very real to me. and lately, when i have seen small children i have felt a ghosting weight against my hip. the tiny warm body pressed to mine. and it's comforting. and upsetting. and probably a little bit weird. what else is new.