she looks like the real thing. she tastes like the real thing. if i could be who you wanted. all the time.

i am continuously amazed by the "coincidences" in my life. learning to believe they are messages. the little ways god speaks to me. or rather the ways in which i chose to listen. i have been attempting to discern god's will. really listen to what he has in store for me. to know that it is better than anything i could ever think up. so when he said "go," i went. and when he said "stay," i hesitantly retracted my position in telluride, for a little more time in the queen city. i am not certain of "the plan" and any efforts to figure it out are ultimately fruitless. it is what it is. and i know when i get there. so i'm enjoying the journey. taking time to look around me. pause and take in the view. it's beautiful from where i'm standing.

[what i have learned this week.]
1. reading is fundamental. i just finished "the shack." which ties into the little coincidences i mentioned above. apparently forest hill church is doing a series on the parabolic novel, and i am looking forward to following along. i have found it necessary to find a church to attend. some place to call home while my home is in the clt. i check out renovatus a couple of times. i enjoyed the service. passionate and welcoming. but i'm not sure how much of my comfort level was the church, and how much of it was the fact that i know so many of the people in attendance already. i don't want to choose a place of worship because that's where all my friends go. so i checked out forest hill church. the message was on discerning god's will. yet another one of the lord's funny little coincidences. he continues to throw all of this stuff in my path until i finally notice. i'm stumbling around blind and too stubborn to ask for help until all of the sudden i look up...and there "it" is. well look at that. golly jeez. but i'm learning. i'm not as slow as i once was.
i liked forest hill. a little large. but it didn't feel as large at is actually is, so that's good. and i knew some people. and i liked the worship. i'm open to other options, but i plan to attend at least through the holiday series.

2. you can't believe everything you hear. i am in a position to be understanding, but it's hard to care for someone's heart when they are falsely representing themselves. shame is a lonely place and no one should live there. i have some free time if you want help moving!

3. i am capable of forgiveness. my ex boyfriend's sister text me last week. i hadn't heard from her in two years. and while my first response was uneasy and anxious, i have settled in quietly. i was fearful that any communication between the two of us would make its way back to mikal. and i realize now that if i am to continue on in a friendship with kim, it can only be done if i am able to forgive the wrongs and hurts of my old relationship. i cannot proceed in fear of him. holding onto the anger and resentment. he cheated on me and disrespected me. but it's impossible to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. and while that in no way excuses him for his behavior, i have to accept responsibility for my part of the equation. and doing so releases me from painful ties. binds and breaks. there is freedom in forgiveness.