it's all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out.

i just married off my best friend. months of planning. weeks of preparation. the big day has come and gone. i am exhausted. and delighted. and left at the gates wondering what is next.

on a brisk november evening, i stood alongside nine women who share one common bond. we have all been touched by the amazing and creative heart of kelly mcgauran [conklin]. she changed my life. eleven years of adventures. one of the most loyal friends i have ever known. she makes my heart happy. and it is with immense joy that i stood in front of friends and family, on saturday, and watched my lil' kelstar give her heart to the man she loves. it has been an amazing privilege to watch the couple over the past two years. to see their growth. and witness their triumphs and trials. to see the man that joel has become. charged with the responsibility of caring for the women kelly has grown into. i am confident he will do his best. i am confident in his love for her. and that the lord has many wonderful things planned for them. they are a blessing to me. congratulations conklin couple.

now what?

i have been staying with two friends for the past few weeks. privileged to sleep in their amazing house. tons of room and a big backyard for the marley dog. lots of laughs and hang out time. i was a little uneasy about living with boys. unfamiliar territory. i missed my girls. they knew how to navigate me. knew my heart. what was on my mind. and i felt out of place here, for a while. no door to close myself in. things spread out all over the floor. transitional. unsettled. it is interesting to see yourself through someone elses' eyes. to watch the boys question my 'ways'. baffled by my eccentricities. my order. my routine. it makes me laugh at myself. which is good. and i have become comfortable in this place. i no longer feel like a stranger in these walls. i know where the can opener is. what day the trash should go out. and that the boys love pancakes.

the past few weeks have been wonderful. my life is entirely up in the air, but i have had a constant and comfortable place to lay my head. no pressure. no ticking clock. it's all in my head. that nagging feeling that i should have it all figured out by now. but i also have a comfort in my heart. i am where i am supposed to be, for now. i'm supposed to stay put. even though my urge is to flee. i tried to run to telluride. it is a huge personal accomplishment that i obeyed my heart. that little voice in my head that spoke of unhealthy situations. not-so-great decisions. potential for drama. and why position myself in the line of fire when i have incredible community here? i am comfortable with my decision to stay in charlotte. although i do not know how temporary/permanent my time will be. i am excited for what this will bring. christmas with my family. deeper bonds with new friends. more time at the white water center. hikes in the mountains. my girls.

i am staying put. which means i need to leave. i have been playing house. cooking and cleaning. the consummate caretaker. and while it has been wonderful and fun, it is not real life. my heart longs for a family of my own. i would get married tomorrow, if i could. sitting around the breakfast table, with a happy couple and a contented bachelor, ultimately causes frustration. i should be content that i have these moments with friends. content that i can care for them and do nice things. that they greatly appreciate my help around the house and love my dog. but at the end of the day i am temporary. and i want to matter. this game has been immensely entertaining. i have laughed at our antics more than my fair share. but i want the real thing. i'm getting too old for games.

so i put it in your hands, lord. put me in my place. although the boys have assured me they are in no hurry to get rid of me, i suddenly find myself feeling out of place. my original purpose here has come and gone. and i am left behind. i don't want to be in the way. inept. unable to care for myself. perhaps this is practice in asking for help. to really know i can't do it on my own. but i'm stubborn and all too independent. and i am so fearful of being a burden. a wound i have carried around since childhood. please know that i am trying. that it is not my intention to be a mooch. that i am so grateful for the generosity and hospitality. thank you for a safe place to land.